591. Romantic Times Rewind: July 2004 Reviews

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Sarah Wendell: Hello there. Welcome to episode number 591 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, and Amanda is here to do another Romantic Times Rewind. We’re going back to July 2004. I want to thank Kay Sisk for sending us this issue. The book reviews from the July 2004 issue of what was then called RT Book Club predates the founding of Smart Bitches, in fact. So the genres are different, the books are very different, and we have some one-star reviews in this issue! It’s very shocking.

I want to give you a HEADS-UP for some absolutely incredible amounts of exoticism, racism, and something called lad lit. I think this was the first time I’d encountered this term, and wow! Wow! There’s so much learning happening here.

As always, in the show notes you’ll find a link to smartbitchestrashybooks.com, and you’ll be able to find all of the cover images and additional clips from inside the magazine.

But if you join the Patreon – dun-dun-duh! – you get access to the full scan, all 140 pages. So if you would like to read the whole magazine, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. Monthly pledges start at one dollar, and every pledge not only keeps me going and makes sure that we can keep doing these incredible deep dives into romance history, but you’re also making sure that every episode has a transcript. And these are some long episodes, so thanks, garlicknitter. [My pleasure! – gk]

I have a compliment this week.

To Kathy O.: Your friends and family think you have more innate sparkle and contagious happiness than a fleet of aircraft carriers full of glitter and Lisa Frank ponies. So thank you for being a positive person in the world.

If you would like a compliment of your very own, that is a reward for one of the tiers in the Patreon community. But most importantly, you get to join our Discord, and it’s a truly lovely place on the internet.

I also want to say hello to Wendy, who is one of our newest Patreon community members. Welcome aboard!

So are you ready to go back to July 2004? I’m not sure you are, but grab your bikes; we’re going to go. On with the podcast.

[music]

Sarah: All right, so this is the July 2004 issue. I did not have children when this was released, and one of my children has just reached majority, so.

Amanda: I think I was tenth grade? Ninth grade?

Sarah: I was twenty-four, I was married, I was probably trying to get pregnant. This was a –

Amanda: I was fifteen. [Laughs]

Sarah: This was a long-ass time ago, wasn’t it? All right, so I want to say thanks to Kay Sisk, who put this and other issues in a box and sent them to me, because she’s in them. These were –

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: – epis-, issues of the magazine where reviews of her books and ads for her books appeared, which we’ll get to in a little bit, but a big, big thank-you –

Amanda: Yeah, I saw that, and was like, I know that name.

Sarah: Yep! Thank you to Kay for sending us this issue!

We are going to start with a quick discussion of the cover, because, I mean, there’s really not a lot to talk about on this cover, is there?

Amanda: [Laughs] It’s, it’s a plain, boring cover.

Sarah: It’s very dull – not at all!

Amanda: Nothing to see here.

Sarah: Do you remember – this was probably more late ‘90s and a little bit into the early 2000s? Do you remember all of the dresses that were color-changing taffeta?

Amanda: No.

Sarah: Okay –

Amanda: I don’t! [Laughs]

Sarah: – I remember shopping for dresses in department stores – remember department stores? – and there was –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – a period of time when color-changing taffeta, like, the, the colors would kind of ripple on the fabric, and it would be like red or green or gold and yellow. There’s so much color-changing taffeta in the dress on this cover. Like, it, it is just incredible.

Amanda: I was just thinking department stores…yeah, I got my, like, prom dress at Dillard’s. Does Dillard’s even exist anymore?

Sarah: I think it does. I don’t know! We, we used to have a –

Amanda: I haven’t seen a Dillard’s in forever.

Sarah: We used to have a Lord & Taylor; it’s gone. There’s a Macy’s in the mall, but it’s a desolate place.

Amanda: Bealls? Bealls is u-, Bealls and Sears are usually like ghost towns.

Sarah: Oh yeah. And JCPenney? Whoo.

Amanda: I worked at a JCPenney!

Sarah: Really!

Amanda: Wild stuff. Yeah.

Sarah: That must have been a wild place to work.

Amanda: Oh yeah.

Sarah: Shit went down at the JCPenney.

Amanda: So side note into JCPenney Land, we were set up like an octagon or a hexagon?

Sarah: Yeah?

Amanda: And so between sections is, is where the registers were, and where I worked was between Juniors and Men’s jeans and Dockers. That’s where I was situated.

Sarah: That’s not a good placement, I just want to say. That is not optimal placement.

Amanda: Also, I remember someone, people were having sex in the fitting rooms, and I tried to call a manager, and she’s like, I’m busy with a customer. I’m like, Okay, guess I’ll let ‘em finish!

[Laughter]

Sarah: I don’t know why people get hot and horny in a fitting room. That just doesn’t make any sense, but that is not the first time –

Amanda: The lighting is bad –

Sarah: Oh, you look terrible! You’re just, you’re just cottage cheese all the way down!

Amanda: – and it’s cramped in there!

Sarah: And it smells…

Amanda: You’re going to get a charley horse!

Sarah: They used to use straight pins in clothes back then! You’re going to have pins in your –

Amanda: Ooh yeah.

Sarah: – feet, or other parts.

Amanda: Anyway, this cover – [laughs]

Sarah: I mean, there is an honest-to-God unicorn on this cover.

Amanda: Who’s, who’s giving like a little saucy, like, sparkly eye pew!

Sarah: Yeah. That little sparkly –

Amanda: You know what I mean?

Sarah: – little sparkly eyes there, yeah.

Amanda: Well, when you showed me this, I told you it reminded me of like a Spirit Halloween, like when you get those budget costumes in bags?

Sarah: Yep!

Amanda: And it’s like the front image is like this person wearing the costume, and it’s the, there’s no set, it’s just them in the costume, pretty ill-fitting.

Sarah: It’s like if Spirit Halloween and Lisa Frank had a baby.

Amanda: Yeah, ‘cause of the unicorn.

Sarah: Oh yeah. It is really just something. I can’t wait to put this on the internet and just watch, watch people’s reactions.

Amanda: Now, do you think this was a paid-for cover?

Sarah: I do not know. I don’t know if you could buy the cover, or if they would just sort of build the co- – I, I, we have to, eventually we will have to break the veil and have someone who worked there come on and spill the tea.

Amanda: Yeah, ‘cause I’m –

Sarah: We’re going to have to find out.

Amanda: I never heard of this press that’s on the cover?

Sarah: Oh, Medallion?

Amanda: Or – yeah.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: Or this author.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: So it was like, what an interesting book/imprint to cover.

Sarah: Well, I have some information about that –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – and I will tell you the short answer. I’ll go into this more when we talk about ads and features; there’s a huge feature about Medallion.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So at a lot of the RTs that I went to, there was a Helen Rosburg Ball? Or it was Helen Rosburg and Heather Graham sponsoring a ball. Helen Rosburg is the founder of Medallion, which is still in business, to my knowledge. I think that it is still operating. Helen Rosburg is also the heiress to the Wrigley fortune. You know, like, the gum?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: So she has a, a lot of money and created this press. There’s, there’s a lot of Rosburg stories, but if you look at, like, previous RT conventions, there’s almost always a Medallion Press or a Helen Rosburg sponsored event. So she invested a lot of money into the RT convention as a venue for her authors to reach out, to reach readers. So I think that, you know, if she, if, if they did anything, RT was going to be like, Let’s put it on the cover!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Shall we get started with reviews?

Amanda: Oh boy, yeah. Yeah.

Sarah: So this, this is very old, and I will say, right off the bat, there were not a lot of books in here where I was like, Ooh, yeah, I want to read that! Or, Oh, I remember that book!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: First of all, this was, this, this came out one year before, or maybe six months before Smart Bitches was founded. Smart Bitches started in January 20-, 2005, and this was before that. And I think one of the reasons why I was so eager to have a venue to discuss romances honestly is because what was coming out at the time was not rocking my world, and I was –

Amanda: [Laughs] Lot of stinkers!

Sarah: I was real mad about it, and I was getting really frustrated with my reading.

Amanda: And we’ll probably talk about this on the, like, follow-up, where we talk about, like, ads and features, but this feels like almost a different magazine.

Sarah: Doesn’t it?

Amanda: Like, 2004 RT Magazine, or 2005, feels very different than the 2014 ones that we’ve been looking at.

Sarah: Oh yeah. And it’s interesting, because the, the, the major names on the masthead have not changed, and I’m curious where the evolution and the impetus for change came from. It’s not even the same name, did you notice? It’s called Romantic Times Book Club Magazine?

Amanda: No, I didn’t even know that!

Sarah: Yeah, the cover, the cover with the unicorn and the taffeta – look, there’s a lot going on the cover. It’s completely understandable –

Amanda: Yeah, that’s true.

Sarah: – that you would miss the masthead, but it’s Romantic Times Book Club Magazine –

Amanda: [Laughs] …draw the eye.

Sarah: – and at the top in a banner – by the way, this is so green and coral? There’s so much green and coral. This is so very Miami Vice coloring here. The, The magazine for women who love books.

Amanda: Women who love books!

Sarah: Romantic Times Book Club Magazine is a completely –

Amanda: But, you know, we still have a giant feature about men in the magazine for women who love books.

Sarah: Well, if we, if we don’t ask the men what they’re doing, how will we learn what’s happening? Come on.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Okay. So starting with Historical, you noticed something right off the bat about the, how the reviews were different, and you were totally right!

Amanda: Yeah! Yeah, so in the ones that we were looking at, it’s like Title, Author, Publisher, and then, like, the review, which is like a, one paragraph, and then a book description, and it, in these issues, you know, you still have Book, Title, Author, that sort of stuff, but they list the setting for Historical romance. Like, they have Julia Quinn’s When He Was Wicked, and it says Setting: 1824 London.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: So they give you, like, geographic region and time period, and then it’s all one long thing. So the review and description is all in one, and I would say these are even slightly longer than the newer issues with the review and summary combined.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: So these are even longer reviews. But everything is –

Sarah: They are –

Amanda: – together.

Sarah: They are longer, and in, in a lot of cases they have more opinion.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And what’s interesting, like, for example, on one of the first reviews is a four-and-a-half-star Top Pick for My Forever Love by Marsha Canham – okay, hold on to your nostalgia – published by Signet, Setting: 1194 England, and the, the format of the review is compliments to the author and her skill and then a quick summary of one or two paragraphs, and then another paragraph of review and, and opinion! Like, it’s, it’s almost like a sandwich. It’s a com-, it’s, it’s a completely different format.

Amanda: I prefer this.

Sarah: It, it’s much more informative, isn’t it?

Amanda: Yeah, especially because I, I feel like historical readers have preferred time periods that they like to read in, and if you don’t read American historicals, you might not, like, clock that it’s an American historical based on a title or name –

Sarah: That’s true.

Amanda: – if you’re not super familiar?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: But having the setting there, I’d be like, Oh, I don’t read 1800s American West settings; I’m not even going to bother with this. So you can really tailor the reviews that you’re reading based on the interests of, like, time period.

Sarah: Absolutely. And, I mean, to be honest, historical romance is a form of fantasy, because you are rereading the same world over and over, and it’s a very collaborative world build, but the foundations of especially Regency romance, all those foundations are set, and readers who are familiar with it are entering a world that they’ve already, they’ve already encountered before. They’re just going to enter different ballrooms and different characters.

The book that I wanted to pull out is on page 40, and to underscore what you just said, there are one, two, three, four, five reviews on this page. Four of them are set in 1945 Ohio, 1918 San Diego, 1859 Colorado, and 1860s Candace, Kansas and Colorado. So we have a lot of American historicals at this time period. This is probably why I was annoyed, ‘cause I do not like American historicals, speaking of whitewashing history.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: The one that I wanted to call attention to is another thing that I forgot was really popular at this time? This is Portrait of Lydia by Hollie Van Horne, time travelers romance published by a pub-, by a publisher called Time Travelers. The setting is 2000 New York to 200 AD Rome.

Amanda: Okay. [Laughs] Okay!

Sarah: So this is, this is wild. The first paragraph is the, the author has written another engrossing time travel.

>> After Grant Tyrell is informed that one of his ancestors was septum, Septimius Severus, warrior-emperor of the Roman Empire, he decides he must take a vacation to Rome –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: >> – 200 AD.

Okay, Amanda, hold onto your butt.

>> And thanks to the internet and modern technology, he is able to do just that.

So he goes on the internet –

Amanda: Wow.

Sarah: – to time travel back to Rome 200. For the record, I don’t want to do that? I rely a lot on modern medicine.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: >> Grant wants to experience the power of deciding the fate of millions and all the glory of the Roman Empire.

Sounds kind of terrible.

>> But upon his arrival –

Amanda: No, thank you.

Sarah: >> – it seems all the power Grant seeks is held by a beautiful woman named Lydia of the house of Marcus Flavius Antonious of Rome.

I might have said that middle one wrong.

>> She also holds Grant’s fate in her pretty hands.

You know he’s not happy about that. Went on the internet, time traveled to be full of power and hold the fate of millions, and finds out that a woman decides his future? You know he’s mad.

>> Realistic characters –

Amanda: We don’t even let them do that in the year 2000!

Sarah: God damn it, no! We do not!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: >> Realistic characters fill the pages of this creatively penned, in-depth time travel. Lydia and Grant’s story is a well written romance that’s fresh and unique, with fantastic historical highlights. Van Horne pens another terrific novel readers won’t want to miss.

What’s, and what’s weird about this review is that, I don’t know if you notice how often they use the word pens as a verb? Pens –

Amanda: [Laughs] Totally didn’t notice.

Sarah: The author pens another engrossing time travel in the first paragraph, and the last sentence is, she pens another terrific novel. So they’re, they were bookending with similar sentences, but yeah, that, that was a time capsule right there. I really enjoyed reading that review. [Laughs]

Amanda: Before I go on to mine, one of the reviews on the same page for Wild Honey?

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: The publisher is www.awestruck.net! [Laughs]

Sarah: Dot net! I know!

Amanda: It’s like, what?!

Sarah: We’re back in the era of publishing with WWW, folks.

Amanda: Dot net. Okay, I’m back –

Sarah: http://www!

Amanda: I’m back at page 32 for…

Sarah: All right, let’s go back up. Do-dodo-do-doo!

Amanda: And this review is a bit of a Yikes, but what I liked about it is when they dunk on the hero within the first sentence?

[Laughter]

Amanda: Which I enjoyed? But Sarah and I made a couple notes that several of these books, based on their descriptions, sound a little racist. There’s a few of them, and this one, I feel like –

Sarah: Grab your bikes! We got yikes.

Amanda: – definitely toed that line. The use of “exotic” is used twice. [Laughs]

Sarah: Ohhh yeaahh! Woohoohoo, can’t wait!

Amanda: So this is The Perfect Temptation by Leslie LaFoy, published by St. Martin’s. Setting is 1864 England, and it got four and a half stars. It’s a Top Pick; it’s a TP, everybody!

Sarah: TP! By the way, folks who are in the Discord, I have added an emoji that is toilet paper with gold stars on it. You’re welcome.

Amanda: For TP; that’s what we think of when we – [laughs] – we think of TP, Top Pick.

Sarah: Four and a half stars toilet paper!

Amanda: The first sentence is:

>> Wallowing in self-pity since his fiancée’s death, John Aiden Terrell is asked by his private investigator friend to help protect Alexandra Radford and her charge Mohan, a rajah’s son, from assassins.

Sarah: Oh, the feeling I just got in the pit of my stomach. Mohan, rajah –

Amanda: What?! [Laughs]

Sarah: – oh God. Yep, here we go.

Amanda: But also I love the beginning of the review. It’s like, This pathetic motherfucker. [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah, how dale you, dare you feel normal human grief, you self-pitying, wallowing fool? God!

Amanda: >> Alexandra fascinates Aiden. She despises his arrogance, but he makes her feel like a desirable woman, even as he takes control of her household and teaches Mohan about a gentleman, about being a gentleman and a prince.

Sarah: Oh God.

Amanda: What does this guy know about being a prince? No clue.

>> Then their safety is compromised, and Alex turns to Aiden for comfort, unleashing their mutual passion.

Sarah: Oh no.

Amanda: >> As the, as the danger escalates and past secrets are revealed, they get trapped in a dangerous web.

Danger and dangerous in the same sentence.

>> LaFoy builds sexual tension by subtle means from deep within her characters’ thoughts.

What does that sentence mean? I don’t know.

Sarah: They were mental-, mentally lusting for each other is my guess.

Amanda: [Laughs] It reminds me of the scene in Demolition Man –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – with Sandra Bullock and Sylvester Stallone, where they put –

Sarah: That’s not what I was expecting!

Amanda: – having sex is, they put the weird, like, head things on, and they mentally do it?

Sarah: I was not expecting you to go there, but yes, you are right.

Amanda: I love that movie. ‘Cause in the Fast Food Wars, Taco Bell was the only one to make it out!

Sarah: That’s, I mean, fair!

Amanda: It’s a utopia!

LaFoy builds, okay, sexual tension by blah-blah-blah –

>> – juxtaposing Indian philosophy with British propri-, propriety?

There we go.

>> – allows LaFoy to make the exotic ordinary and the ordinary exotic.

Sarah: Oh God.

Amanda: Readers won’t be disappointed with this thrilling adventure-romance.

Sarah: The cringe. The cringe!

Amanda: Ew! [Laughs]

Sarah: Juxtaposing Indian philosophy and British propriety makes the exotic – ohhh boy. Yeah, so we’re, this is knee-deep in the part where we exoticize everything that was not white.

If you look at – [laughs] – page 37 over on the right, Fulk the Reluctant! The character’s name is Fulk the Reluctant, but it’s –

Amanda: I saw that!

Sarah: And it doesn’t look like Fulk, y’all. If you look, if you’re reading fast, you think it’s Fuck the Reluctant, and it’s got…

Amanda: I almost picked that one based on this person’s name. [Laughs] Like, nope.

Sarah: Fuck the Reluctant, set in 1230 France, again. But if you look over on the left, Kate Lyon, Time’s Captive, set in 1800s Texas.

>> When Kris Baldwin, the great-great-granddaughter of Comanche Indian chief Parker goes to her favorite swimming hole, a strange stone appears and she’s sucked into a watery grave.

She thinks she’s dead until Black Eagle revives her. He’s head of the Comanche elite warriors. She’s the answer to his prayers, and she’s from the future, and they have powers. Black Eagle takes her back to his –

Amanda, Amanda’s face is like, ohhh yikes!

Amanda: I, you know, you know the grimace emoji face where it’s like a smiley face and they’re just gritting their teeth?

Sarah: Ugh! Yeah.

Amanda: That is me through many of these – [laughs] – reviews! Ugh!

Sarah: Oh yeah.

>> Black Eagle takes her back to his people, believing that she will tell them how to eradicate the white man from the plains?

But she’s from the future; she knows how this ends up. [Laughs]

>> Kris’s shaman grandmother guides them both to their true hearts.

There’s powerful stones. Oh boy.

>> Lyon weaves well known history into a new legend with realistic struggles and strong characters that deeply believe in shamanistic dreams and abilities. Even knowing the historical outcome, readers will hope the Comanche will triumph and that history will somehow turn out differently.

I feel this cringe, like –

Amanda: No.

Sarah: – in my ankles I’m cringing so hard. Yeah.

Amanda: When I see these, I just want to take like a squirt bottle that you, like, squirt cats with and just –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – No!

Sarah: No… [still laughing]

Amanda: Stop it! No!

Sarah: Some of these books –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – are really not going to hold up to a modern audience anymore than, you know, a television show from 2004 is going to hold up to a modern audience, but it is also, I think, important to look and be like, We did this on the regular!

Another interesting thing – also, before we move on, I forgot that Kresley Cole wrote Australian historicals?

Amanda: Those were her first books. It was a trilogy about three brothers who think they’re cursed.

Sarah: I forgot that Kresley Cole wrote historicals, and I did not know she wrote one that was partially set in 1858 Australia.

Amanda: Lots of shirtless dudes looking at boats.

Sarah: Oh yeah. He’s finding that boat with his nipples, no question.

Amanda: That’s how he tracks it.

Sarah: Yeah, absolutely! They’ve got nipple, nipple GPS –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – don’t you know.

Another interesting thing –

Amanda: Like a dowsing rod, but for his boat.

Sarah: Yes, like a dowsing rod.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Well, no, that’s his dick. His dick is the dowsing rod that senses virginity; his nipples are the GPS for the boat.

One interesting thing about this magazine, also, is that there’s historical romance and then an entirely separate section for Regency, but all of the Regency romances are published by Signet and Zebra. All of the reviews are on one page, and it’s like one long article as they review all the Signets and then all of the Zebras, and it’s one person writing all of these. All of them are 224 to, I think the longest one on this page is 288 pages? These are not long books, but there’s one page that’s just Regency.

Amanda: Which bugs me because they have Regency romances within the block of historical romances!

Sarah: I think this is more of a time when Regency romance meant a very specific format. Regency romances like Signets? Those were about the same size and, and, and depth – like, I don’t mean like character depth; I mean like the actual width? – of like a, like a series romance. They were similar in size –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – they were much, much shorter, and so the expectations were, I think the expectations were different of what was going to happen in the Regencies versus the single titles, which were like a hundred and something pages longer. That’s –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – why, my suspicion as to why they’re separate in here? Because there’s Zebra books elsewhere, and there’s Signet books elsewhere, but these are the, these are all in one page.

I didn’t select one, because none of them really, none of them really sent me anywhere. And the reviews are a paragraph of summary, and then there’s really not a lot of review.

Amanda: I mean, yeah, they do this too later on with the, like, Harlequin –

Sarah: Yeah, it’s like an article. Here’s –

Amanda: – little categories.

Sarah: – here’s a summary of all the books, but there’s not a lot of reviewing. Like, there’s no criticism anywhere.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: There’s none criticism.

Amanda: Yeah. I mean, there’s, like, maybe one sentence. Like, one is, you know:

>> Lady Scandal by Shannon Donnelly is sure to captivate readers. A continuous chase leads to an exciting conclusion.

That’s as much of, like, review as you’re getting, where prior to that you probably had like four to five sentences and summary.

Sarah: If we move into the next section, that’s Erotica, and Ellora’s Cave has some ads –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – that I am very excited to talk about. But all of the erotic romances that are reviewed in this issue are from Ellora’s Cave; Extasy – that’s spelled with an X: E-X-T-A-S-Y – Brava, which is Kensington; Red Sage; NAL; and Cheek. Theydies and gentlethems, I would like to inform you we have a one-star review.

Amanda: [Pew-pew sound effects]

Sarah: [Laughs] I do need a sound effect, don’t I?

Amanda: That’s what I said in the comments. Like, I feel like we need those celebratory, like, rap air horns.

Sarah: [Air horn sound effects] So on page 49 –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – we have a one-star review, and the publisher is listed as www.ellorascave.com. It has a proper name! It’s a legitimate business, but the, but they, but they put the URL. Okay. It is erotica, it is called Gates of Hell by Ann Jacobs. I did some research; this book has been republished as After the Apocalypse, and in the book listing it says that it has been extensively written, rewritten, but it gets a one – it’s the first time I’ve seen a one star since we’ve started this.

Amanda: That’s true; I think it’s our first one.

Sarah: All right, I might, I – okay.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: [Sputters] Okay. We’re, we’re going to have to just have a whole bunch of bicycle emojis for this episode, ‘cause this is all Yikes on Bikes.

Amanda: I just want to say –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – that, like, erotic romance can be a weird place, right?

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: And there are definitely some weird books. Like, Elyse is just, what is she reading, that, like, door-fucking book?

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: On Whatcha Reading? But, like, early 2000s erotic romance was a special blend –

Sarah: It was a very unique world.

Amanda: – of weird shit.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: And all, a majority of these erotic romances are cuckoo-bananas.

Sarah: If you are thinking, Wow, there’s a lot of aliens fucking in publishing right now – I mean, not in the publishing houses; like, in the books that are being self-published –

Amanda: They could be; we don’t know.

Sarah: We don’t know; I mean, who the hell knows? It’s all algorithm at this point.

There’s a lot of aliens. You’re thinking, Wow, there’s all these aliens – no. Mm-mm. You have not seen aliens until you’ve looked at 2000s erotica.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Okay. All right, here we go. Deep breath, grab your bicycle.

>> Aurora is a breeder for the Federation’s decimated population on Earth.

Amanda: I’m out. Immediately I’m out.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Amanda’s shaking her head, and I…to laugh. She’s like, Nope! [Laughs]

Amanda: I’m that GIF of the woman grabbing her purse and just leaving. We’re done.

Sarah: Okay.

>> And the news she receives will change her forever. In two weeks, she is to become a mindless, sexless drone. Never having had sex with a human male before, Aurora makes the most of her last opportunity and takes a trip to the Gates of Hell, a resort located on the planet Obsidian that caters exclusively to its guests’ desires.

Amanda: I’m sorry; if you’re on the marketing team for that sex resort, what a terrible name.

Sarah: Just call it vagina dentata and move on with your day, right?

Amanda: Gates of Hell –

Sarah: Gates of Hell.

Amanda: – that seems like a great vacation spot.

Sarah: So to summarize so far where we are with this book, she’s a, a breeder, and she has never had sex with a human male, but somehow she’s having, she’s being – oh God. This is making me so uncomfortable. She’s going to become a mindless, sexless drone in two weeks, and so her first –

Amanda: But how, how does that work if she’s a breeder, and then she’s going to be turned into a mindless, sexless drone?

Sarah: I, I don’t know! But greeted with this information, her first thought is, Well, shit, I’ve got to get laid!

Amanda: I got time, yeah.

Sarah: Aurora – okay. [Laughs]

>> Aurora meets Brad.

Amanda: We couldn’t come up with a better name.

Sarah: Brad. [Laughs]

Amanda: Yuck!

Sarah: [Still laughing] Okay, I’m really going to hurt myself.

>> Aurora meets Brad –

Amanda: It gets worse. I hate, I read ahead, and I hate – [laughs] – the description that comes next.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: I hate it!

Sarah: Okay. Here we go.

>> Aurora meets Brad, her master, a virile human who not only dominates her pleasures, but shares with her a secret that could help her escape the Federation’s ultimate decision concerning her future!

So there’s your summary.

Amanda: [Sighs]

Sarah: >> While the –

Amanda: I don’t like the phrase “virile human.” I don’t like it.

Sarah: [Laughs] All right. So that was just the summary, right? And this is a one-star review, so here’s the review part:

>> While the author offers the requisite hot sex, Gates of Hell suffers a severe lack of character development. Aurora and Brad are devoid of personality, and as a result there’s a lack of emotional tension and love. Combined with a story that doesn’t feel finished, Jacobs’ interesting premise is not explored to its full potential.

Can download for $4.95. I think that’s what that, that little DL means. Yeah.

What’s the problem? Why is it one star? Because it’s just sex? It’s literally erotica about somebody who says, I’m about to be turned into a drone; I must get laid. Like, I, I feel like the premise –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – is upheld by, the genre is upheld by the premise here.

Amanda: We talked about this last time, that the difference between erotica and erotic romance and how they’re slightly different.

Sarah: And it says here this is erotica, futuristic eBook.

Amanda: Yeah. So they label it, this is erotica, not erotic romance.

Sarah: This is about getting laid –

Amanda: So –

Sarah: – before you are turned into a mindless, sexless drone. I mean, these are the stakes.

Amanda: I don’t – when, and then also when we were talking about, like, the Federation, it reminded me of the Lauren Dane series from 2007, 2008 that was like the sci-fi –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – polyamorous ménage romance? Those were, I ate those up like fucking candy. So –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – if anyone wants sexy, futuristic, erotic romances that aren’t as bad as this –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – check out that series by Lauren Dane.

Sarah: Yeah, that’s the Federation Chronicles if you are –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – curious. The Federation Chronicles are, starts with Undercover, but they’re all available.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And the covers are pretty hot.

Amanda: I devoured those.

Sarah: That was our first one-star review, and I find it very unsatisfying! I give this one-star review one star!

Amanda: I found it nasty, but it doesn’t have anything to do with the book. It’s just – [laughs] – the word choices –

Sarah: Breeder.

Amanda: – the descriptors –

Sarah: Brad.

Amanda: – Brad.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah! Will not be reading that book.

Sarah: What is your pick?

Amanda: I picked, on page 47, Private Pleasures by – and they need to issue a correction here, because they spelled Bertrice Small’s name wrong.

Sarah: It’s – oh my God, they published it as Beatrice! Oh –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – and I will tell you, having heard her, before she died, Bertrice Small of blessed memory, she was named after her father; his name was Bert. So her name is Bertrice –

Amanda: Wow!

Sarah: – or Bertice, and she will get mi- – she would; she’s no longer with us – she would get mad if you messed that up.

Amanda: Yeah. And –

Sarah: Beatrice Small – yikes!

Amanda: Yeah. And, to make matters worse, this book has a full-page back ad on this issue.

Sarah: Wow. Wow! Yikes!

Amanda: It was probably a pretty big deal.

Sarah: Oh, at this point?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah. Bertrice Small, she passed away in 2015, but she was well in her career in 2004. Like, she was, she was one of the, the original, like, big historical, the grand dames of Avon, I think they called themselves, or the Avon ladies.

Amanda: Yeah. So, wow, I’d be curious, because on the page you were just at, 49 –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – there is a correction, that they attributed a review to the wrong reviewer?

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: So I’m very curious in, if we have the August 2004 issue –

Sarah: I’ll have to look.

Amanda: – if they will issue a correction for misspelling her name!

Sarah: Yeah. I don’t know.

Amanda: Because I only know Small through, like, historical, right? Like, and it’s mentioned that this is her first explicit erotic novel. And this is listed as erotica, so not erotic romance: erotica (fantasy).

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: >> Nora Buckley’s perfect world shatters when her husband dumps her for a younger woman. Even more devastating is his vindictive plot to leave her penniless and homeless.

Sarah: Sound’s like women’s fiction.

Amanda: [Laughs] Well, strap in. 

>> Fortunately, Nora has a strong support group. Sensing Nora’s need for something more, her four friends share a naughty secret called The Channel. Literally sucking viewers into the TV, this sex channel allows Nora to experience her wildest fantasy.

Sarah: That is not women’s fiction.

[Laughter]

Amanda: >> Nora enters The Channel and encounters Kyle –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – an erotic dream come true.

Sarah: Kyle.

Amanda: >> He indulges her most decadent desires and awakens untapped hungers. For the first time in her life, Nora knows true sexual freedom and craves her nightly adventures. As she indulges, Nora comes to the startling realization that having it all is possible if you’re willing to pay the price. Small’s first contemporary erotic venture is an intimate journey into one woman’s risqué fantasies. Nora’s transformation from downtrodden wife to siren is immensely satisfying, although it occurs at light speed.

Sarah: Ooh.

Amanda: >> This sensual page-turner seduces with explicit monogamous and multiple-partner encounters and with a nontraditional Happily Ever After.

Sarah: Aw, Beatrice is writing poly romance. Go, Beatrice!

Amanda: What a weird little book. [Laughs]

Sarah: Sucked into the TV to have – like, are you, are, like, are you becoming the porno? Is this like you get sucked into SkinOMax at two in the morning and suddenly you’re in the porn? Like, what? Wow!

Amanda: I have no clue how it works –

Sarah: I –

Amanda: – but also –

Sarah: – think you need to read it.

Amanda: – her friends know about it.

Sarah: Yeah! They’re like, Hey –

Amanda: Her friends are doing it!

Sarah: – just, I know you saw that Poltergeist movie; this is very different.

Amanda: Very different!

Sarah: They’re here! And they’ve got big boners.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Maybe you should read this one.

Amanda: I’m so worried.

Sarah: [Snorts]

Amanda: I’m, like, it’s not a, like, I want to read this one ‘cause it sounds good. It’s just – what awaits me in this book?

Sarah: I, yeah. The Channel, apparently.

Amanda: The Channel.

Sarah: So now, moving on to Mysteries. All right, so the book I wanted to talk about was on page 71. It is a four-star review, and it is for a book called A Distinction of Blood.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: It is a historical. It is from Signet. It is 262 pages, so that sounds to me like it is a, it is like a Regency-sized book; not Regency set. So A Distinction of Blood, four stars, historical, by Hannah March.

>> In Georgian London –

So not Regency.

>> – a tutor, amateur sleuth Robert Fairfax is employed by Mr. Appleton to tutor his sons and spy on his new son-in-law, notorious rake Lord Hugh Mortlock. Aware of Mortlock’s propensities for gaming and wenching at this time of his daughter’s betrothal, Appleton had hoped that Mortlock’s marriage to his daughter Charlotte would help reform Mortlock.

Appleton doesn’t know things.

>> Fairfax follows Mortlock into seedy gambling halls for a night of debauchery. After returning home, Mortlock retires to his bedchambers, and that morning Fairfax discovers his bloody body. Constables search for Abraham, Charlotte’s African servant, who has disappeared –

Amanda: Oh no!

Sarah: Well, this is interesting:

>> – who has disappeared, and with whom Mortlock quarreled shortly after he returned home, but Fairfax remains unconvinced that Charlotte’s loyal servant –

Yikes.

>> – would have harmed her husband, and systematically begins his own investigation. Steeped in the gritty reality of Georgian London, March’s novel is suspenseful and authentic to the period. As the plethora of clues is unearthed, Fairfax pieces them together to solve this creatively plotted mystery.

So in terms of critical analysis, we have creatively plotted, suspenseful, and that’s, suspenseful and authentic. So those, that’s your review words, and all of those words is the only ones that offer any review, but first of all, there is an African person in a historical, and this was published in 2004, and people lose their ever-loving minds when they see people of color in historicals, and here’s one just sitting there. I mean, accused of murder, possibly running away, in a great deal of trouble, has to be saved. I’m sure there’s a bunch of yikes and a bunch of bikes, but still, Hey! There’s a Black person in a historical.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So yikes on bikes, but also, hey, look, people who get upset about this.

So what is your, what is your pick here?

Amanda: I just read the first sentence and, like, all right –

Sarah: Oh, well! This is –

Amanda: – I’m in!

Sarah: – this is, this is, this is –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – a sentence that if you wish to trap an Amanda, you would put this sentence under a little box with a stick, and Amanda would just scurry right on in for this one.

Amanda: Yeah! It’s on page 65. It’s Pipsqueak by Brian M. Wip-, Wip-, Wiprud [Wipe-rude]? Wiprud?

Sarah: I’m going to say Wiprud [Whip-rud].

Amanda: Wiprud [Whip-rud]? And it’s Amateur Sleuth (Humorous). [Laughs]

>> Crime and taxidermy collide in this zany, zestfully told tale. Sublime comic storyteller –

What did we decide? Wip-, wip- – [laughs]

Sarah: I’m going to say Wiprud.

Amanda: >> Wiprud sets his mystery in a fictional, fictional New York City retro subculture full of zoot-suited hipsters, swing-loving horn players, and other eccentric city dwellers.

Sarah: That is one incredible paragraph.

Amanda: [Laughs] I know!

Sarah: Crime, taxidermy, zany, zestfully?

Amanda: Zoot suits?

Sarah: Wow! The reviewer here is Cindy Harrison, and Cindy was clearly having a real good time.

Amanda: >> Taxidermy buff –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – Garth Carson –

Sarah: Sorry!

Amanda: What a name. [Laughs]

Sarah: Garth Carson, taxidermy buff.

Amanda: >> – Garth Carson gets pulled into the retro underground scene while hunting down a stuffed puppet, Pipsqueak the Nutty Nut.

Sarah: Oh my God!

Amanda: >> Garth wants Pipsqueak because he’s a childhood touchstone. Others want him for far more nefarious reasons.

Sarah: What are you doing –

Amanda: Like what?

Sarah: – to Pipsqueak? What is, what did the nefarious – what, what, what are you doing to the taxidermy? Please – you know, maybe I don’t want to know, actually. I’ll just, just hold that thought.

Amanda: And then, like, hard right here, because the next sentence is:

>> Soon the murder victims are piling up.

What?!

Sarah: No!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Oh my stars.

Amanda: >> When Garth’s estranged brother is beaten bloody, the squabbling siblings team up. Then the joint really starts jumping.

Wow, so much alliteration in this one.

>> Quirky characters, slapstick situations, and clever writing –

Sarah: Oh, who would have seen slapstick coming? Pff.

Amanda: Yeah.

>> – full of sharp visual images make this novel a thrill a minute. Garth is off-beat, earnest, and romantic, plus he’s got a knack for solving puzzles, particularly the one at the center of this well drawn, tightly executed story.

This sounds like a fever dream.

[Laughter]

Sarah: All right, hang on. Let’s see: is this available?

Amanda: What is this – I want to see the cover, too.

Sarah: All right, so Pipsqueak by Brian is Garth Carson book one. It is on Kindle for $1.24 after credits, $4.99 before credits that I have. It has 3.3 stars on Amazon and 3.4 on Goodreads? And it’s a weird cover.

Amanda: Yeah, and Harlan Coben, who is a famous writer at this point, there’s a book blurb from him. It says –

Sarah: Oh my God! Amanda, Amanda –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – click, click, look, look at the hard, look at the hardcover cover.

Amanda: What?!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Why?

Sarah: Wow.

Amanda: Apparently the puppet was the star of his favorite 1950s kids’ TV show.

Sarah: Oh boy. Oh, so the hardcover cover is a very ‘70s green. All right, so it is a ‘60s or ‘70s motif where you have, like, lines with balls on the end forming a big star –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and there’s a taxidermied squirrel that looks like it’s about to, like, start throwing down some incredible dance moves, but it’s wearing some pink sunglasses.

Amanda: Pink sunglasses.

Sarah: And then it says Pipsqueak, and then the author’s name is inside a retro-round television. Wow.

Amanda: This is wild.

Sarah: This is incredible!

Amanda: Aside from the review about boilers, the boiler scientist –

Sarah: [Laughs] Obsessed with boilers!

Amanda: – this is probably one of my favorite reviews is the Pipsqueak review.

Sarah: One thing that’s different about this, this magazine also is that there are a lot more ads and features in between the reviews? Like, in the later issues it’s reviews and features. Like, they’re kind of in their own sections. Here it’s just all, all together.

Amanda: And I don’t know if just more books were, are now coming out? The volume increased? And so they needed to have more space for more reviews, which is why they cut down the reviews and probably cut a lot of features? ‘Cause I feel like there’s a lot more, like, columns and profiles and Q&As in this earlier issue.

Sarah: So in Mainstream Fiction, there are a lot of different, a lot of different books, but what, first thing that caught my eye is that Mainstream – this is how long ago it was – Mainstream and YA are in the same section. So Mainstream fiction and Young Adult are in the same review collection, even though those are –

Amanda: Yeah, which is –

Sarah: And some of them –

Amanda: – weird choice.

Sarah: Did you notice that two of the books are by a press called Smooch?

Amanda: No.

Sarah: Yeah! Two of the books are from a press called Smooch.

Amanda: Was this the one, too, where we’re missing reviews?

Sarah: Yes, because there is a two-star review for a book by Megan McAndrew called Going Topless, and I looked in the magazine itself, and it is not in here! It is absolutely –

Amanda: You’ve got all the pages! I checked.

Sarah: It is not here. I’ve gone through the section –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – three times, and it is not here.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So what is your pick in this section?

Amanda: So I picked another weird one. I feel like I –

Sarah: Good!

Amanda: – have a knack for finding just really bizarro – [laughs] –

Sarah: There’s some bizarro books. There’s one here where the heroine has a radio station show called “Karen’s Kosmic Korner,” and that’s all with Ks, by the way, Karen, Kosmic, and Korner.

Amanda: No, no, no!  [Laughs]

Sarah: And March Monroe fakes a past life regression – like, there’s a lot going on in here.

Amanda: How weird. So I picked a review on page 82, and then it goes to 84, ‘cause there’s a big ol’ Avon trade full-page ad on 83. But it’s Sleeping with Schubert. Schu-, Schubert?

Sarah: Schubert.

Amanda: I think he’s Austrian: Schubert.

Sarah: Schubert!

Amanda: It’s listed as a paranormal romance, which I don’t necessarily agree. But it’s by Bonnie Marson, four stars.

>> Imagine getting up one day to find yourself drawn to something that never held much interest before. Say, a piano.

Sarah: As you do.

Amanda: >> Then imagine –

Yeah.

>> Then imagine yourself sitting down at a piano and playing a classical repertoire. Incredible, right? But in the case of Liza Durbin, an average New York attorney, the incredible happens. The spirit of composer Franz Schubert takes residence in her body.

Sarah: Oh no.

[Laughter]

Amanda: >> Franz is moved by the sights and sounds of modern Manhattan, and new symphonies begin pouring out through Liza in the composer’s own hand. Liza shares her bizarre cohabitation with her closest friend, family, and therapist.

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: I’m assuming those are all three different people.

>> And while they’re skeptical at first, the minute she sits down at a piano they accept the outrageous truth. Mentored by a Julliard professor and marketed by her sister, Liza becomes a sensation. She tours and sells CDs, all the while trying to work out her relationships with a lover who’s gone to Europe and the dead composer living in her heart and soul. It isn’t easy staying under control when the inner composer is working, nor when a tiny voice says that Franz may be only a temporary visitor. Marson’s debut novel is beautifully written in the first person. She’d nailed…the motivations of not only Liza and Franz, but crafted compelling secondary characters too, and along the way she’s created a wonderful take on why some otherwise ordinary humans become gifted geniuses.

And that’s because they’re possessed by the spirits of dead composers. [Laughs]

Sarah: I mean, that is it. This is much more critical and interesting as a review, because a lot more, there’s a lot more critique about why the, the reviewer, Karen Sweeney Justice, liked this book.

Amanda: What a weird book, though, and I also, like –

Sarah: It’s still available for sale.

Amanda: – am I –

Sarah: You can, we can read it.

Amanda: Am I picking up the, the notion that she’s falling in love with a composer that’s possessing her body?

Sarah: It, it seems a little bit like that, yeah.

Amanda: Okay. [Laughs]

Sarah: >> Trying to work out her relationships with a lover who’s gone to Europe and the dead composer living in her heart and soul.

O-, okay, so what do you think, how do you think this ends? I mean, obviously Schubert has to go back to Schubert-ville.

Amanda: Yeah. So, but he’ll always stay with her through the gift of music.

Sarah: [Snorts]

Amanda: That’s my schmaltzy – [laughs] – that’s how it ends.

Sarah: I would not be surprised!

Amanda: Also, like, she becomes famous. Like, she’s, like, writes things and sells out, like, concerts and does CDs, but, like, is part of the marketing ploy that she’s possessed by the spirit of Franz, Franz Schubert?

Sarah: I don’t –

Amanda: Or is that a big secret to the public?

Sarah: I, I honestly couldn’t tell you.

Amanda: And what happens when he leaves her body? Is she no longer able –

Sarah: She goes back to being an attorney – I mean, if she’s kept up her, if she’s kept up her bar admission, she can just go back to being an attorney.

Amanda: Yeah. ‘Cause I, I have a feeling like, it doesn’t seem like she learns how to play the piano; she just all of a sudden knows how to do it.

Sarah: Yeah, exactly? I got some girl-on-girl crime in a review on this page that I just want to run by you?

Amanda: Girl-on-girl crime! [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah.

>> Elizabeth Polk’s cozy Southern life is in turmoil. Her boyfriend and fiancé Chip –

No, it’s not even Chip. Jesus.

>> Her boyfriend and fiancé Clip –

[Laughter]

Sarah: She’s engaged to Clippy.

>> – inexplicably dumps her three weeks after proposing. To add insult to injury, he’s been tooling around town in a spiffy new pickup and was spotted at The Wagon Wheel feeding local floozy Janelle a T-bone steak.

This is…

Amanda: It’s always Janelle!

Sarah: [Laughs] It’s just like a T-bone, he’s just like shoving it in her face!

Amanda: He’s got, no, he’s got it on, like, a fishing line, and every time she goes to take a bite he reels it up…

Sarah: >> Well, that really burns Elizabeth up because Clip always steered her in the direction of the chopped steak special when they ate there.

What the? Okay, this is Bet Your Bottom Dollar by Karin Gillespie, and –

Amanda: No, thank you.

Sarah: – it is a light and pleasant read, the first in the Bottom Dollar Girls series.

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: Local floozy Janelle – isn’t it weird how there are a bunch of series that are set in localities where there is, in fact, a town floozy? Like, that’s a character which –

Amanda: I haven’t heard the word floozy in a while.

Sarah: Oh yeah, it’s a very, very antiquated term. I’m pleased to see it die.

Amanda: Yeah. Like, my, floozy and hussy –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – those are ones that my grandmother has used. I think I’ve heard my mom use it too.

Sarah: Series is, again, just a really long narrative by line. So, like, Harlequin Blaze, all of them are, are, it’s like one column. It’s so many – it’s a lot of words. There’s also something called Harlequin Forrester Square? I don’t even know what that is.

Amanda: Yeah, there are a few that I’ve never heard of.

Sarah: Well, I mean, this is a thing that Harlequin does: Harlequin Flipside, Harlequin Forrester Square. They just, in this issue they have a big thing about Harlequin Bombshell debuting? Bombshell shut down a little while later. They, they start and then they close down lines. It’s a lot; it’s a thing.

There is another one-star review. Dun-dun-duh! And it is for a – hey, there’s absolutely nothing in here that gives me, like – this, again, if you’re going to go with something so rare as the one star, like, make me understand why.

>> An investigative reporter for the Mustang Gazette, Cara Hamilton finds Nancy Wilkes dead and believes the woman’s employers, the scandalized Lambert & Church law firm, might be behind it. Lambert killed himself in jail after his alleged murder of a local rancher was exposed. Deputy Sheriff Mitchell Steele, having connected several deaths to the firm, suspects Cara knows more than she is telling and questions her real connection to the murder victim, whom she claims was a close friend. Both are intent on discovering the motives behind the deaths, but neither anticipates finding love.

Some summary. Here’s your review; here’s your one-star review:

>> Lawful Engagement, one star, is very slow to unfold and severely bogged down by Linda O. Johnston’s frequent and unnecessary repetition of plot points.

That’s it. That’s all you get. Why?

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Meanwhile – so one, one of the ways that, in which the format is interesting is that there’s this whole summary, and then they tell you the title and the author at the end? So the last sentence of the review prior to that one is:

>> Gayle Wilson’s Sight Unseen, three stars, is a well plotted tale with appealing leads. The heavy focus on the engaging plot, however, may disappoint those wanting lots of romance.

So there’s more detail as to why that’s a three-star, as opposed to this one-star where it’s bogged down by a plot – what? That’s not enough; you need to tell me why. Like, I need to know really, really, what, what is the problem here?

Amanda: So I had one, but in talking and, like, scrolling through, there’s another one that jumped out at me.

Sarah: Oh, tell me all about it.

Amanda: I’ll do the surprise one first, ‘cause I’m on that page; it’s 97. It’s part of the Harlequin Romance column.

Sarah: ‘Kay.

Amanda: It’s in the middle column. It’s Caroline Anderson’s The Pregnant Tycoon! And so I was like, What?! [Laughs]

>> Sydney business developer Isabel Brooke has it all – except for a baby! While attending a get-together with mutual friends, she rediscovers teenage love and now single father Will Thompson. Following a night of passion, Izzy becomes pregnant, and soon she’s reassessing her Gucci lifestyle.

Sarah: Oh for crying out loud.

Amanda: >> Could she handle life as a sheep farmer’s wife? A seemingly unlikely pair must ultimately decide if their relationship was doomed or destined from the beginning. Caroline Anderson’s The Pregnant Tycoon, three stars, is nicely grounded and an entertaining idea: businesswoman meets Mr. Mom. But readers may be somewhat annoyed by characters who seem to lack common sense.

Also, if, if you’re a business developer, no one says you have to stop doing that and let your husband be the sheep farmer.

Sarah: Right. I mean, I don’t understand what the Gucci lifestyle is – I mean, okay! All right.

Amanda: Very weird. But the one I did pick –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – originally, was from Harlequin Flip-, Flipside, which I have never heard of before. Sarah’s googling.

Sarah: Oh, the covers are all cartoons.

Amanda: Oh, I don’t like that.

Sarah: Flipside was a – oh – Flipside was a humorous chick-lit-inspired imprint. It launched October 2003, replacing the Duets line. The final books were published in June 2005. So it didn’t even last two years.

Amanda: Okay! [Laughs]

Sarah: And there were forty-two total, there were forty-two total books, but among the authors that were published by, by Flipside, Molly O’Keefe? 

Amanda: Molly O’Keefe!

Sarah: Margaret Dunlop – a couple of Molly O’Keefes. Jill Shalvis published a, a Flipside in 2003.

Amanda: So you said this has like a focus on humorous situations.

Sarah: Chick lit. Humor-, humorous chick-lit-inspired, yeah.

Amanda: Okay. Well, let me just issue a trigger warning for this next review.

Sarah: Oh, sheet.

Amanda: Definitely don’t think there was anything funny – [laughs] – about this? And I clocked it ‘cause in the review it keeps call-, like, it keeps saying that the heroine experiences outrageous situations! But all of this seems bad. So:

>> The untimely demise of her elderly car starts Phoebe Frame’s bad day. Groped on the elevator, sexually harassed by a doctor at work, and informed at lunch that her ex-husband’s bimbo girlfriend is pregnant, she’s ready to snap. And unfortunately, Jeff Fischer, who’s installing the new transcription system in her office, is there when she does.

Sarah: Oh my God!

Amanda: >> Not the best –

Yeah, I know.

>> Not the best way to begin a relationship, but it works, and Phoebe appreciates having Jeff around while she’s fixing her life. Cindi Myers provides a mature perspective in What Phoebe Wants, four stars, somehow balancing outrageous situations with real heart.

Sarah: Oh my God!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yikes on –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – a lot of bikes.

Amanda: Yeah. Like, this doesn’t seem funny or, like, outrageous probably in the way that they –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: …and I would classify this as more than just a bad day if you’re being sexually harassed and groped by two different people on the same day.

Sarah: Good Lord! I mean, at least they –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – label it sexual harassment. I guess that’s probably a plus? But that, as a plot device? Yikes!

Amanda: I want to know what the cover looks – [laughs]

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: It’s illustrated, and she’s got Pablo Picasso eyeballs.

Sarah: Oh dear God! Her head is a square!

Amanda: Yeah. Also how tall is she to be sitting on a car like that? And look at how long her legs are.

Sarah: But her head is a square! [Laughs] I can’t get over it!

Amanda: Yeah, square head. [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh! Wow. Okay! Yikes. That was a, that was a cover art style.

Amanda: That was something, huh?

Sarah: Sure was!

So moving on to Sci-fi and Fantasy, there are – this is another area where there are a lot of bikes for all of your yikes, partially because there’s so many wild names for people and places and a lot of, you know, so-and-so is enslaved, and their universe is enslaved. It’s like a lot of enslavement, which is kind of, kind of a lot.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: The book that I picked is out of print. It is an anthology, and it got four stars. On page 104, we have To Weave a Web of Magic, edited by Claire Delacroix, published by Berkley, four stars.

>> Four excellent novella comp-, novellas comprise this anthology of fantasy and romance from masters of both genres. Patricia A. McKillip opens with “The Gorgon in the Cupboard,” the tale of a Victorian painter seeking a muse. He’s more than a bit surprised when one of his paintings starts offering advice. Lynn Kurland offers a medieval tale with “The Tale of Two Swords,” a rip-roaring fantasy adventure with unexpected heroes and more than one nifty twist that never the leaves, nevertheless leaves the reader wanting more. Delacroix reworks a medieval legend in An Elegy for Messaline – no, Melusine – [“An Elegy for Melusine”]. When Melusine chooses the human world over the fairy realm, her choices reverberate through the centuries. And in the gem of the collection, “Fallen Angel” by Sharon Shinn returns to the faraway world of Samaria where angels rule from stone towers and centuries of tradition direct the actions of mortals. Ranging from pleasant diversion to hair-raising adventure, this collection has something for every fantasy and romance fan.

And what is wild about this is that I was like, Oh, you know what? That sounds, that sounds kind of cool! And well, there are used copies available, and they’re fifty dollars.

Amanda: Ohhh boy!

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: Look on Thrift Books. There’s a used copy for $4.29.

Sarah: Ohhh!

Amanda: I think I might go through the previous issues and look at some of the category romances that they reviewed and see if I can just snag a couple used ones.

Sarah: Go for it!

Amanda: And just do, see if we can find a category romance.

Sarah: So what is your pick for Science Fiction and Fantasy?

Amanda: So I picked, same page, 104, Lord of the Shadows by Jennifer Fallon? The body of the review is fine. We, once again, we have a hero name that’s like, What?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Dirk Provin.

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: Yeah. So:

>> Dirk Provin may be the true heir to the throne of Dhevyn? But he has –

Dhevyn also is spelled D-H-E-V-Y-N.

>> But he has betrayed his people to ally himself with the ruling Lion of Senet and the high priestess of the Shadow Dancers –

Sarah: Sounds complicated!

Amanda: >> – or so it see- –

I know!

>> – or so it seems. Dirk is working to bring down the usurpers and the false religion. Unaware of Dirk’s plot-, plotting, the crippled prince Misha of Senet breaks with his family and finds sanctuary among the –

Okay, and I know it’s Baenlanders? B-A-E-N-L-A-N-D-E-R-S, but my brain immediately read Beanlanders –

Sarah: [Snorts]

Amanda: – and I prefer Beanlanders.

Sarah: I would absolutely read about a society of Beanlanders.

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> – who offer him another path to freedom. Dirk’s mother Alenor, Queen of Dhevyn, believes her son a traitor and schemes to avenge her people. The final installment in the Second Sons trilogy ties together the tangled threads of years of spying and plotting. With her customary flare, Fallon delineates motivation and consequence, bringing home the price of freedom. Dirk can see no other path than the one he’s set for himself, and readers feel his pain at deceiving those he loves. Fantasy readers have welcomed Fallon’s fresh voice and will not be disappointed. She remains true to her passionate characters as she brings this epic to a stirring conclusion.

So we’ve got Dirk; we’ve got Beanlanders –

Sarah: Hell yeah.

Amanda: – we’ve got the king-, kingdom of Dhevyn.

Sarah: But also it’s kind of wild if you think about that, that, how fantasy has, has also changed. Like, one thing –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I noticed in the social media responses to some of these episodes is, Oh, wow, Romantic Times was really the first magazine that would actually review science fiction and fantasy titles, like, straightforwardly. It was definitely doing something for genre fiction that not a lot of places were doing at the time? And, you know, this was, there’s a, there’s actually a letter in here that we’ll talk about in the next episode about blogs? Like, Ooh, blogs are a new thing! [Laughs] Yes, they are!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So here’s the last section – well, no, there’s Inspirational. I will spoiler, I will, I will spoiler: neither of us could find anything that we were interested in in the Inspirational section.

But the – this is so weird – Contemporary romance has three different sections. There’s Contemporary Romance, Romantic Suspense, and New Reality. And to give you a sense of what’s in New Reality, Christine Feehan’s Dark Destiny; Lynsay Sands’ Tall, Dark, and Hungry; and then some anthologies from Jove and Harlequin which are, I guess, vampires. But New Reality –

Amanda: Yeah, I was like –

Sarah: – what?

Amanda: – What is that? Is that supposed to be like paranormal romance?

Sarah: I – there’s no paranormal section! But wouldn’t that –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: It’s, it’s wild. So apparently paranormal had not yet become enough of a thing that it had its own section? It’s just New Reality.

Amanda: New Reality!

Sarah: But the book that I want to call attention to is actually by Kay Sisk, who sent us this magazine, and it is called, it’s a romantic suspense called One Year Past Perfect, and it is from www.wings-press.com, four stars.

>> Katherine Thompson is visiting Hawaii to settle her deceased great-aunt’s estate and retrieve an elusive diary that’s rumored to contain shocking family secrets.

For the record, I love shocking family secrets. Everybody’s family secrets are fantastic.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Every family is a cult of a different kind, and I love family secrets.

>> She’s hoping this vacation will provide the trees, the peace and tranquility she needs to recover from a bad marriage. When she arrives at her beach house, she finds three unexpected guests. Instead of revealing her identity, she decides to pose as a newly hired housekeeper. International singer Cesar Osorio is renting the beach house, along with his brother-in-law and manager. The experience is filled with chaos, since the two insist on firing all the housekeepers!

Why would you do that?

>> The latest applicant –

Amanda: Yeah, why would you do that?

Sarah: >> – arrives at their door acting like she owns the place. Her in-charge, self-sufficient attitude is one he admires. He finds himself experiencing feelings he hasn’t felt since his wife’s death three years ago.

Amanda: Feelings, no!

Sarah: I hate when there’s feelings.

>> This is a true, this is a classic example of a modern-day Goldilocks: its fairytale appeal provides an enjoyable story with a twist of mystery. The secondary characters add depth to a fine novel, and the sexual tension balances out a well written romance.

That sounds kind of fun!

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: That sounds fun! I mean, I don’t always love romantic suspense, but, like, is the suspense what the family secrets are? ‘Cause I’m all about that suspense. Tell me all your dirty laundry; it’s fascinating!

Amanda: I’m sure if you ask Kay nicely she’s going to be like, Yeah, this is a book for Sarahs/This is not a book for Sarahs.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: So my choice is on page 111 –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – and the title is Blooming All Over – which, hate that title, by the way – by Judith Arnold, and, look, I’ve got to be honest: it’s like, there are so many reviews, I do not read every single one.

Sarah: Oh –

Amanda: I will read like the first sentence, and I’m on to the next one.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: And so when a first sentence grabs me, that’s usually, like, when I’ll make a note of it and then – [laughs] – move on. So when I read this sentence –

Sarah: They’re zesty, they’re zany, they’re –

Amanda: Yeah. Zesty, zany.

Sarah: Taxidermy pros.

Amanda: Oh, I love taxidermy pros. So:

>> A proposal from bagel-maker Casey Gordon would probably thrill almost any other woman in New York, but not Susie Bloom. She wants to maintain the status quo, but it’s clearly impossible once she refuses him. Getting out of the city, even as the star of her flaky cousin’s documentary/infomercial is preferable to dealing with Casey every day, to say nothing of living with the Bloom family as they wrangle over her sister’s wedding plans and other assorted crises. Learning that Casey is moving on and seeing someone else should be a relief, but it’s not. Susie’s got a big life choice ahead if she can face up to it. Arnold continues the saga of the Bloom family and its deli with joy and verve. One can only hope that there’ll be many more books about these wonderful, rich characters in their fun world.

I have no clue what any of this review means.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: What, what status quo is she hoping to maintain?

Sarah: Joy and verve, apparently.

Amanda: And what about, like, why is she the star of a documentary/infomercial? For what?!

Sarah: And is the plot twist that this guy – no, this guy asks her to marry him, and she says no, and then later she’s upset that he’s moving on? I don’t want to –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – read about you! You sound kind of terrible! Let, let the guy move on!

Amanda: And also I’m assuming – and maybe I’m wrong – but usually dating comes before a proposal.

Sarah: Right? So, like –

Amanda: Were they dating, and she’s like, Yeah, I’m not going to marry this guy.

Sarah: Or was he just like, Wow, her bagel holes are just exquisite, and I must make that my wife?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And as I, as I mentioned before, there really wasn’t anything in Inspirational that I was like, Wow, I really, really want to read this. Like, it just, none of these really struck me or, as, as, as even interesting. It’s just, it’s a really big mix of other genres. Like, there’s contemporary, suspense, historical fiction, all – hang on. Hang on, I missed this. Page 123, left-hand side, A Delirious Summer by Ray Blackston from Ravel, contemporary, and in parentheses (lad lit).

What the hell is that?

Amanda: Like chick lit, but for men!

Sarah: >> 29-year-old Neil Rucker –

Amanda: Nooo!

Sarah: >> – a Spanish teacher to missionaries in Ecuador, hasn’t had a date in seven months, one week, and a day.

Why is he counting? Okay. And he wants to go – oh –

>> And one of his students sets him up with a place to stay in South Carolina during his furlough. Single church girls, beaches, picnics, the answer to his prayers.

Ew. Bla-, so this is the final, final paragraph of this review:

>> Blackston answers the question, Can opposites find Happily Ever After in the kingdom of God? In his lean, breezy style, the sequel to Flabbergasted is top quality lad lit, straight from the guys’ hearts to yours. The first half of the book is witty and funny, followed by a second half full of wise insight.

What is lad lit? Oh, I’m –

Amanda: So –

Sarah: – so sorry I missed that trend! Oh geeze, I googled lad lit.

>> Lad lit was a term used prince-, principally from the ‘90s to the early 2010s to, to describe male-authored popular novels about young men and their emotional and personal lives. Emerging as part of Britain’s 1990s media-driven lad subculture, lad lit preceded chick lit –

Wooow. So it’s like Nick Hornby and Tony Parsons.

Amanda: The comments I wrote are like, Where are the boiler scientists and nutritionists?

Sarah: Yeah. I want, I want historical people obsessed with boilers; that’s what I’m looking for in my inspirational romance. Like, that, that is –

Amanda: Where are they?

Sarah: – exactly what I’m looking for.

So come back in two weeks. We have a lot of ads and features to talk about. There’s a lot of advertisements –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – in here. I just, I just want to give you one word, and that word is Manaconda.

Amanda: Oh boy. Yeah. Even when I was scrolling through reviews, I clocked that one. I’m like, I know we’re going to talk about this.

Sarah: Oh, we, we have a lot to say –

Amanda: There’s no world in – [laughs] –

Sarah: – about Manaconda.

Amanda: – which we would not talk about…

Sarah: No. Come back in two weeks, ‘cause it’ll be an adventure.

Amanda: [Laughs]

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Do you remember color-change taffeta? Did you work in a department store and have to deal with people in the fitting rooms? I would love to know. You can come to the podcast entry on smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast under episode 591. You can leave a comment. You can email us at [email protected] and [email protected]. We would love to hear from you, because these episodes are so much fun, and I’m really enjoying how much you are enjoying them.

We will have links to all of the books that we have talked about, and I want to say thank you to the reviewers who worked on the book reviews in this issue, and they are:

Tanya Kacik, Kathe Robin, Anne Black, Robin Taylor, Charlene Alleyne, Cindy Harrison, Sheri Melnick, Terry – Taylor Morris, excuse me – Karen Sweeney Justice, Catherine Witmer, Kimberley Harvey, Jen Talley Exum, and Suzie Housley.

As always, I end with a terrible, terrible joke, and this week’s joke comes from the Discord, from JF Hobbit. Hi, JF Hobbit!

How do you get a hold of a Roman architect?

Give up? How do you get a hold of a Roman architect?

You column.

[Laughs] Call him. Does anyone else remember studying Roman architecture and learning the difference between Classic, Ionic, and Corinthian and Doric columns? I do, definitely, so this, this – [laughs] – you column!

Don’t forget, there is a link in the show notes that will take you to the entry where I have all of the covers. Some of these are astonishing, so you will get all the visual aids that go along with this episode. And in two weeks, don’t forget to come back, ‘cause we’re going to look at the ads, and let me tell you, the ads in July 2004 are something.

But until then, on behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we will see you back here next week, and in two weeks for more Romantic Times Rewind, and you can find all of the RT Rewind content at romantictimesrewind.com.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[end of music]