How to Get Divorced in 6 Logical Steps

To that end: “One question I ask toeveryone who comes into my office is: Are you sure?” says Jacqueline Newman, a divorce attorney in New York City and the author of Soon to Be Ex: A Guide to Your Perfect Divorce & Relaunch. “If you aren’t sure, I’m a big advocate of marriage counseling, because divorce is a very hard think to turn back from: It’s financially exhausting; it’s emotionally exhausting.” If you’re on the fence, then you have to make sure it’s what you really want, even if ultimately the answer is yes.

Step 2: Determine how you want to get divorced.

Many of us might immediately assume that getting divorced means winding up in court, but most couples actually don’t. As Newman explains, there are three paths that divorcing couples can take: mediation, collaborative law, and litigation. In mediation, couples work with a neutral party, generally without an attorney, who helps them work out the terms of their separation on their own. (It also tends to be the least expensive way to go.)

Collaborative law, on the other hand, means both parties retain separate lawyers and contractually agree to openly disclose all documents and information, respect each other, and protect children as much as possible. “If you can’t do mediation, collaborative law is a good way to go if you’re amicable,” says Newman. “You have more control over the schedule, and you can bring a divorce coach and a child specialist into the mix.” But the drawback is if things break down and you decide you do want to go to the litigation route, you have to start all over with new attorneys.

Litigation is the most traditional route—and the most expensive and time-consuming. You and your spouse usually hire divorce attorneys and duke it out until a settlement is reached, either by you or a judge. That said, litigation doesn’t mean you’re definitely going to wind up in court, and, in fact, most cases don’t go to trial. “They settle at some point,” says Newman. “It’s just a question of when and how much you’re going to spend.” But you can go to court, maybe even a few times.

If none of the above sounds like something you and your ex are up for, there’s always the “kitchen table option,” whereby you sit down and figure it out yourselves, says Newman—but she doesn’t recommend it. “It can get complicated, because it’s hard to negotiate. It depends on personality and the level of anger.”