Have you ever lost a loved one who left important words unsaid? Did you wonder if they really loved you, or did you have an argument with them right before they died? As a hospice nurse and the founder of Doulagivers Institute, and as someone who has been at the bedside of over 1,000 dying patients, I know how important it is to say everything you need to say at the end of life. That’s why I recommend that everyone, young and old, sick or healthy, write their own eulogy.
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Today, many are rethinking what a funeral service needs to look like. Some are looking back to older traditions by readopting the practice of home wakes and funerals. Others are creating new traditions, showing that there are so many more ways to celebrate a life well-lived than the conventional options. Turning the traditional eulogy into a personally written goodbye can be an empowering and beautiful way to say “I love you” one more time.
A eulogy is usually a heartfelt tribute that someone else delivers at the funeral or memorial service. Sometimes, it’s a family member or close friend, but often, it’s a clergy member who may not even know us well.
As a death doula, I’ve attended many funerals. But I have never felt more love and healing at one than when a first-person eulogy is read. It’s powerful. Everyone in the room feels they get to have one last conversation with the person they’ve lost. When that conversation is filled with love, it’s the best possible salve for grief. It doesn’t mean others can’t say their own eulogies, but there’s something special about hearing directly from the person everyone misses so much.
Read More: What a Hospice Nurse Wants You to Know About Death
When you write your own eulogy to be read after you’re gone, it’s wonderful to know that you’ve left behind a message for everyone you love to help them get through the loss. Even if you aren’t ill and even if you’re still young, you will feel a sense of relief in knowing your eulogy is ready just in case. Of course, none of us wants to think about our death. It can be scary. But I’ve learned that we can release some of that fear by taking back our control—when we take care of our final plans in advance, we can feel more at ease and at peace, rather than afraid of the unknown.
It can also be an opportunity to communicate life lessons you’ve amassed along the way, especially if you’re leaving behind young children or grandchildren. I know someone who wrote about working too much in his younger days before he finally learned that it was more important to spend valuable time with his family. He talked about this in his eulogy, recounting some of the memories he had with his children, wife, and parents that he wouldn’t have had if he’d been working overtime. It meant less money for exotic vacations, but as he put it, “seeing the Great Wall of China will never compare to watching my five-year-old perform in a kindergarten play.”
A first-person eulogy is the perfect place to say apologies you’ve never been able to say face-to-face and bury the hatchet on any arguments before your death. For estranged relationships or those that ended in conflict, a pre-written eulogy can offer comforting closure. It can turn a sad occasion into a powerful, healing experience.
Read More: Let’s Talk About Our Grief
Some people use their eulogy as a chance to apologize for their very human shortcomings, assuring their loved ones that they did their best even when they fell short and that they hope the people left behind will be able to remember the good times more often than the painful ones.
Most importantly, your eulogy is your occasion to express your caring and appreciation for the people you love. You can let them know how important they have been to you, what you admire about them, and what they’ve done for you that has been enormously valuable in your life. Even if you’ve already said it to them directly, saying it to them one more time after you’re gone will be enormously meaningful to them.
If you have children, telling them how proud you are will stay with them forever. I recommend being specific about it. Speak to each child about their individual strengths that you admire, and provide encouragement and confidence that they can take with them. It’s your opportunity to tell them how much you believe in them and the life they can create, despite whatever challenges they might have experienced. If your child is struggling, this can be a remarkable boost for them as they grieve.
You can’t always count on being able to say goodbye to those you love. Even in the case of a prolonged illness, you might be unconscious or too weak to do it. By writing your own first-person eulogy ahead of time, you get to say goodbye to everyone who has had an impact on you—not just family members and close friends, but also coworkers, mentors, and community members you want to remember and convey your feelings about. When you write while you’re still feeling healthy, you’ll be less likely to forget anyone, and you can always add to the list as necessary. Doing this in advance is an incredibly empowering and comforting experience that will allow you to leave nothing unsaid.