Monogamy literally means “one marriage” in Greek, and implies mating for life: one love, one sexual partner—forever. Yet most people today think of it as committing to one person at a time. You can have many loves and many sexual partners over the course of a lifespan, as long as you are faithful to each person along the way, otherwise known as serial monogamy. Along with this focused attention on just one person comes the assumption that both parties understand what is outside the bounds of monogamy. But just as monogamy’s definition has changed and means different things to different people, the same is true for infidelity.
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Monogamous couples shouldn’t just assume that their partner thinks exactly like them when it comes to cheating. In fact, they may not, which could lead to inadvertent betrayals. That’s why monogamous couples could benefit from exploring these differences and creating shared relationship agreements, similar to those used in ethically nonmonogamous relationships. These agreements, which spell out what is (and isn’t) permitted within a couple’s version of monogamy, can actually help shape their definition of monogamy while also building trust and safety.
Most couples don’t think to discuss what specific acts would be seen as personal betrayal. I’ve seen everything from masturbation and porn use to texting an ex and illicit affairs categorized as cheating. That’s a huge umbrella! Based on how we were raised, our past experiences with infidelity, and our own moral compass, we each come to our own understanding of what would cross a boundary in our relationship. But how often do we actually spell that out to a partner, not as an ultimatum, but as part of a larger conversation about how to respect each other?
About 55% of Americans prefer total monogamy, yet infidelity is common and has become even more confusing in our digital world. We live in a time when our partners can have erotic or emotional experiences without leaving the house. Many people have pretty robust online social and sexual lives while they’re single and may not see the need to give those things up just because they enter into a relationship. Online experiences can seem non-threatening until a partner finds out and voices their concerns.
I worked with a couple, for instance, who were struggling with meeting each other’s sexual needs. They wanted to work out the discrepancy in their desires. He wanted more sex; she was happy with their current frequency. A few years prior, she had learned through looking through credit card statements that he had several OnlyFans subscriptions. While they had gone through couples counseling for this, she still dealt with a nagging feeling that she wasn’t as sexy as these other women. She worried that if she didn’t have more sex that her partner might return to OnlyFans, something that he assured her wouldn’t happen. He deeply regretted continuing to pay for access to these accounts after the two of them got together.
The pain of betrayal and not knowing if she could trust her husband, often the hardest part of infidelity, was having a direct effect on their lives years later. That said, if they had discussed this earlier on in the partnership, and come to an agreement that their shared monogamy would not include paying for online sexual content, they may have avoided the subsequent fallout from the betrayal. She would have been given space to voice her concerns, and he could have proven himself to be trustworthy by discontinuing his subscriptions.
Boundaries can vary, and some monogamous couples lean more toward “monogamish.” They may allow engaging in adult entertainment, including pornography, strip clubs, cam-sites like OnlyFans, and even AI boyfriends as part of their monogamy, and some couples engage in in-person threesomes or group sex. These agreements might include: “Pay for sexual entertainment with your own money, not the shared bank account.” “No messaging with your chatbot while we’re together.” Or “We only engage in sex with others as a couple. No solo experiences.”
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For other couples, agreements may align much closer to the common understanding of monogamy—that neither party will engage in any sexual or emotional relationships outside of the relationship. But what happens if someone does cross a line? Agreements are there to refocus on the ways both parties accepted responsibility to take care of each other. A broken agreement points to a breakdown in the relationship and an opportunity to create a path forward or discuss whether someone took things too far beyond repair.
Monogamy is a diverse experience; it can be molded to fit what works for each couple.
In this current cultural iteration of monogamy, people engage in behaviors that range from complete dedication to one person to allowing for exploration outside of the primary relationship. This wide range of behaviors tends to happen in relationships without much communication. Agreements can illuminate what isn’t being said so that if there is a boundary that gets crossed, there’s a clearly stated expectation to reference. They don’t ask people to be perfect or promise punishment. But they do establish a clear roadmap for each partner to follow and ensure that they are acting with integrity.