As the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, I recently warned that we are facing an overreaction epidemic. The response to my warning has been, perhaps predictably, extreme.
Thousands of people have messaged me, and commented at me, on social media. Many have accused me of being tone-deaf. Some argued I was asking people to “calm down” while fascism rises.
“Imagine the layers of privilege it takes to gaslight people into thinking they are overreacting,” stated one critic. Others pushed back in the opposite direction, insisting our constant state of panic is unsustainable.
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As one person put it: “You can’t fight for what’s right if you’re so emotionally decimated that you’re living your day-to-day in fight-or-flight mode.”
Another countered: “We are not overreacting—we’re underreacting.”
All of these perspectives hold truth. And their passion highlights why we need a deeper, clearer conversation about what emotion regulation is—and just as important, what it isn’t. Let me be crystal clear: anger is not inherently a bad thing. But the solution to the overreaction epidemic is emotion regulation—which will be vitally important to address our global challenges ahead.
Emotion regulation is a set of intentional, learned skills for managing feelings wisely. At its core, it’s about choosing responses that reflect our goals and values. This can include calming ourselves down before a meeting, reframing a negative thought, or expressing frustration constructively with a loved one. But no matter the emotion, emotional regulation keeps us in the driver’s seat
Why regulation gets misunderstood
The word “overreaction” can be a lightning rod. For many, it signals dismissal: as if I were saying, “Your fear is invalid” or “Your outrage is excessive.” That is not my message. Emotions are not the problem. Fear, anger, grief—all of these are human, appropriate responses to real crises.
The problem is what happens when our emotions run unchecked. We lash out at loved ones, doomscroll until 2 a.m., or paralyze ourselves with despair. Over time, our nervous systems stay locked in fight-or-flight. We burn out before we can meaningfully act.
This is why emotion regulation so often gets misunderstood. Many people hear “regulate” and think “suppress.” They imagine some kind of emotion police telling us what we may and may not feel or should or should not do. But that’s not it. Emotion regulation is about choice. It’s about deciding how to use our emotions wisely so they fuel action rather than hijack it.
Anger is not the enemy
Emotion regulation should never mean silencing anger. Anger is not a problem to be eliminated—it is crucial data which tells us we believe something unfair has happened. Outrage tells us our moral code is being violated. These are not feelings to be ignored. They are signals.
The challenge is that dysregulated anger can turn destructive—both personally and collectively. I’ve spent decades studying and teaching emotion regulation, and I’ve learned that anger without direction is like a wildfire. It burns hot and fast, then leaves nothing but ashes. With emotion regulation, that same anger becomes a steady flame—a force that warms, guides, and endures.
Civil rights leaders didn’t succeed because they lacked rage; they succeeded because they learned to channel it without being consumed. That’s the difference between fury that scorches everything in sight and anger that fuels justice.
Emotion regulation is a strength, not a weakness
Another misconception is that regulation makes you soft—that if you pause before reacting, you’ve lost your edge. Some have implied that my call for regulation is a call to “calm down” in the face of injustice, a recipe for complacency. But regulation isn’t about compliance. It’s about power.
Consider this: snapping at a friend or colleague because you’re overwhelmed may feel cathartic in the moment, but it can erode trust. Pausing long enough to express anger with clarity instead of rage-blindness? That’s not weakness. That’s strength.
Researchers have studied the effects of emotion regulation for decades. People who regulate effectively are more likely to think clearly about solutions and to sustain the relationships that make collective action possible. Far from being a pushover, regulated individuals are more likely to be effective in standing up, speaking out, and persisting.
What emotional regulation looks like in practice
So what does healthy regulation actually look like? It’s not about “just breathe and ignore it.” It’s a set of concrete, science-based skills:
Name it. Accurately labeling emotions—fear, anger, despair—helps us target our responses. Anger may fuel protest. Grief may lead us to seek solidarity.
Shift, don’t suppress. Reframing how we see a situation can turn “this is hopeless” into “this is a call to organize.”
Anchor before acting. A pause for breath isn’t avoidance. It’s ensuring your nervous system is steady enough to act with clarity rather than rashness.
Choose renewal. Rest, joy, and connection are not escapism. They are how we resist burnout so we can keep showing up tomorrow, next year, and for the long haul.
Without these skills, outrage can spiral into paralysis or misplaced aggression. With them, outrage becomes fuel for sustained, wise action.
And importantly, we almost never regulate alone. Our nervous systems are permeable. We catch emotions from each other. We shape one another’s states all day long. That process is called “co-regulation.”
Think of the teacher who calms a nervous child before a test, the colleague who steadies a panicked coworker during a crisis, or the friend who listens with empathy instead of judgment. These small acts are not small. They are the fabric of resilience.
Of course, co-regulation can also go wrong. Dismissing, shaming, or escalating someone else’s feelings is a form of unhealthy co-regulation. But when we co-regulate with warmth, empathy, and respect, we literally lend our stability to one another. That’s why movements only endure when people create micro-climates of safety and trust. Outrage alone doesn’t keep a movement alive; co-regulated communities do.
For this reason, regulation never means silencing marginalized voices, excusing injustice, or encouraging apathy. Regulation is not resignation. It’s what allows us to keep going when the fight is long.
We need not only personal skills but also cultural and structural supports—schools that teach emotional intelligence, workplaces that value mental health, and media platforms that stop monetizing outrage.
A call to act—with strength, not exhaustion
We live in terrifying times. Authoritarianism is on the rise. Rights are being eroded. Climate disasters grow more frequent. No one is suggesting we look away. But let’s be honest: living in constant panic will not save us.
Emotion regulation is how we turn fear into courage, outrage into justice, and grief into solidarity. It doesn’t tell us to ignore crises. It equips us to face them without losing ourselves—or each other—in the process.
So the next time you feel like freaking out, don’t silence the feeling. Name it. Anchor it. Share it with someone who can co-regulate with you. Then use it.
Because the world doesn’t need less passion. It needs passion that lasts.