The holidays aren’t merry for everyone. Some are reeling from the new or old sting of loss, or struggling with complicated family dynamics that suck the magic out of the season. Others are stressed about the high financial toll that accompanies all that gift-giving—or the anxiety of having to attend a string of social events. All these reasons, and more, can trigger the decision to opt out of holiday celebrations.
“Some people just want to see what it’s like to have space for themselves at this time of year,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “They want to give themselves permission to try something different and really understand why they say yes and no—figuring out what’s out of obligation, and what feels most authentic to them.”
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But what do you tell your friends and family, who might have trouble accepting your absence? We asked experts exactly what to say if you’re skipping the holidays.
“I wanted to let you know we’re not going to be there for Christmas this year—and I know it’s disappointing.”
If you’re taking the year off from the annual family gathering, there’s one important rule to keep in mind: Let the people expecting you know as soon as possible. “Don’t delay,” says Andrea Dindinger, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco. “When you let people know, then they can get on with their life, and they can go, ‘OK, so there’s going to be four less people at the table.’”
Read More: How to Write the Perfect Holiday Card
Don’t expect it to go over easily. “It will still come up big time, especially if they’re super sentimental on the actual holiday,” she says. “But it gives them a bit of time to process their disappointment and sadness, and to potentially have some empathy for how hard your decision was.” If it rings true, Dindinger suggests telling your relatives: “I’ll miss seeing you, too.”
“I appreciate you thinking of me, but I won’t be joining any holiday events this year. I hope you have a lovely time!”
This is a clear, direct, and kind way to inform your friends and family you’ll be a no-show—without allowing room to be persuaded otherwise. “You have to be firm, because if you’re not, people are going to try to change your mind or make you feel bad for having those boundaries,” says Lontonia Bryant, a licensed clinical mental health counselor in Jacksonville, N.C. “It strikes a balance between honoring your truth and showing respect for others, something that’s key in any boundary-setting conversation.”
“I experience a lot of heartache around this time of year, and I want to see if taking a step back feels better than repeating the same patterns.”
This is an honest and reflective way to explain why you’re not partaking in holiday celebrations. “It lets you name your emotions and offer a bit of context for your decision,” Lurie says. Plus, when you phrase it this way, you’re inviting understanding rather than debate. “It’s OK to honor whatever feels right for you,” she adds. “If it feels more soothing and nurturing to give yourself space to be with your grief, you’re welcome to tell people that.”
“I can’t actually participate in any gift-giving this year. I’m being really financially thoughtful—and it’s hard and uncomfortable.”
Money is weighing on a lot of peoples’ minds. According to a poll by the American Psychiatric Association, 41% of respondents feel more stress this holiday season than in previous years, and 46% identified their top stressor as finding or affording gifts for their loved ones.
Read More: 8 Polite Ways to Decline a Party Invitation
If that resonates, Dindinger suggests setting a clear boundary, even if it makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable. “You’re not blaming anyone, and you’re actually being really financially responsible,” she says. You could even suggest an alternative approach. For example, you might send this group text to your college BFFs: “I wanted to talk about our Secret Santa plans,” Dindinger suggests saying. “I’m not able to participate this year financially, so I was wondering if we could switch up the tradition and each write our person a little note of appreciation instead.” It costs nothing—and will probably feel much more meaningful than the usual celebrations.
“I can’t join this year, but I’d love to hear how it goes afterward.”
If you have a standing date at The Nutcracker with your friends, but you aren’t up for it this year, share the news with a short-and-sweet note. Dindinger likes this phrasing because it communicates a set decision as well as an interest in your friends’ experience, even though you won’t be joining them. “People want you to go. They like you,” she says. “You’re letting them know that you still care about them, and you care about their experience. There’s kindness in there.”
If you get a pushy response (“Why?!?”), there’s no need to supply an excuse or explanation, she adds. Simply shut down the line of questioning like this: “I appreciate you asking. It’s not in the cards this year.”
“I’m taking this season to rest and recharge—it’s something I really need right now.”
Rest is a valid need, and the holidays can provide that downtime, if you skip the usual commitments. “You might think, ‘I’ve got to spend a lot of money, I’ve got to be around people I may not like or who don’t like me, I’ve been working nonstop, and the world is a little crazy right now,’” Bryant says. “Taking that time to rest—physically, emotionally, and mentally—is so important.” There’s nothing wrong with gently asserting this boundary, she adds, and turning the holidays into a luxurious break instead of more work.
“Can we plan some one-on-one time to catch up?”
When someone extends a holiday invitation that you plan to decline, thank them for thinking of you, Lurie advises. Then tell them you’re taking things slower this year and won’t be able to make it—but would love to catch up one-on-one. That way, it becomes clear that your decision to opt out “isn’t a rejection of the person, or of spending time with them,” she says.
Read More: 5 Ways to Survive the Holidays if You’re a Scrooge
Besides, if you saw them as they were hosting a holiday gathering for 25 of their closest friends and family, you might barely get to talk. “There isn’t a chance to sit down and really catch up or feel like you’re emotionally offering each other the support that you may both need,” Lurie says. “A one-on-one opportunity might better provide that,” while offering much-needed relief from holiday pressure.
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com