The top reasons why couples split up involve major disagreements about how to manage money, maintain sexual intimacy, and navigate family and domestic responsibilities. You may have experienced this firsthand or watched someone close to you go through it, and it’s deeply painful. These foundational issues can seem insurmountable, especially if you try for years to find common ground.
I’ve worked with couples for whom I am their last resort in figuring out if they can make a sexual misalignment work. As a sex coach, it’s my job to help couples explore all available options—and that includes potentially living apart. “Living apart together” (L.A.T.) is an intentional decision to inject more independence into a relationship by having separate living arrangements. And it’s a relationship structure, though not for everyone, that may solve some of the most basic problems in romantic partnerships concerning money, sex, and family obligations.
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Over the last two decades, couples living apart together has been on the rise, with 3.89 million Americans living apart from their spouses, according to 2021 Census data. This trend may be showing us that the shape of long-term partnerships is changing. More and more couples are willing to change their living arrangements to save their relationships.
L.A.T. is different from a separation or having a long-distance relationship. It is usually an ongoing arrangement rather than something circumstantial with an end date. This could look like couples living in different states for their respective jobs or in the same general area but with separate apartments or houses that suit each person’s needs. Rather than having cohabitation be the fulcrum on which the relationship sits, couples living apart prioritize their individual lifestyle needs first with the idea being that it makes them better partners in the long run. Many celebrity couples from Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith to Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk have reaped the benefits of living apart. Of course, having two households is easier when you are wealthy, but many regular couples believe the benefits of living apart outweigh the costs.
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The reasons why people choose to live apart and when in the course of the relationship they choose to do so can vary widely. For some, it’s about practical considerations like someone wanting to live and work in a different part of town or another city. Some couples just never choose to cohabitate on account of each person having a rent-controlled apartment in cities with high costs of living. Others find that the separation allows them to focus on the types of activities, daily schedules, meals, or amounts of socializing that suit them, rather than always having to factor their partner’s needs into the equation. It can also reduce the amount of fighting over who does what when it comes to keeping house, which can eliminate tensions that can build into resentments big enough to end the relationship.
Some people who choose to live apart do so because it allows them to feel more financially independent. They can make certain financial decisions without having to consult their partner, much like they would at the beginning of a relationship when there isn’t as much pressure to know exactly how each person is spending their money. This might work best for couples who experience a lot of tension because of an earning gap in the relationship. Living apart can allow each partner to make financial decisions based on their own means and live a lifestyle that they feel fiscally comfortable with.
Sexually, living apart can also be transformational. Sex therapist and author, Esther Perel, describes in her book, Mating In Captivity, how modern relationships can often stifle our erotic connection with our partners. Because coupledom is seen as the ultimate relationship and marriage the highest expression of love, we tend toward making our partners our entire world. They are supposed to be our best friend, financial partner, coparent, and primary source of emotional support. But those roles aren’t actually that sexy day-in and day-out, and the deep dependence we establish with a spouse can be the very thing that makes it difficult for us to be excited by them sexually.
Couples who live apart get to capitalize on the energy of missing their partner and the anticipation of seeing them again. Both of these experiences can increase interest in sexual intimacy.
In some cases, couples may also benefit from the discretion that living apart gives them in pursuing sexual interests that their partner isn’t interested in. If agreed upon, couples may decide to open their relationship. One partner may get to explore BDSM, for instance, or have sex with people of a different gender than their partner. This arrangement could include being “monogam-ish” with periodic sexual experiences with other people here and there or explicitly non-monogamous where each partner is open to date whomever they would like. L.A.T. gives each partner the ability to explore these sexual connections without bringing them into a shared space.
Couples who choose to live apart may be predisposed to wanting more independence, or they may realize that the relationship they have would be better served by adding some separation. Regardless, this type of relationship requires a great deal of trust, communication, and planning. It takes time and energy to maintain the balance between freedom and responsibility while living apart.
While the dominant cultural expectation is for couples to cohabitate, there is nothing that points to that working for every single relationship. Living apart together could be a way to remain partners if you are evaluating whether to leave a relationship because you just can’t agree on how you want to live, but there’s still a lot of love there. In fact, a growing number of couples are already challenging that expectation and showing that what matters most of all is what living arrangement gives each person the greatest satisfaction.