The holidays can be a stressful time—and if you’re planning to spend it with loved ones who have clashing political views, the prospect of getting into an argument can make things all the more anxiety-inducing.
There’s an old adage that advises people to avoid talking about politics altogether. And while that may be the best option to protect yourself in certain situations, experts tell TIME that sometimes, broaching the discussion could actually be good for people’s familial relationships.
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“I would absolutely encourage people to have these conversations,” says Lynn Bufka, the American Psychological Association’s head of practice and a licensed clinical psychologist. “I think it’s one of the problems that we have in our country right now—that we’re not listening to people with perspectives different than ours.”
But she and Sarah Herstich—a licensed clinical social worker based in Horsham, Pennsylvania—both recommend keeping certain matters in mind if you’re going to have those discussions. Here’s their advice about how to have productive conversations with family members about politics over the holidays.
Consider where and when you’re going to have the conversation
Bufka suggests that people think about the best time and place to discuss the subject. Her recommendations: Avoid doing it when everybody has been drinking, for one thing. And consider having the conversation in a more private setting. Not everyone at the dinner table may want to talk about politics, she notes. Having the discussion around a lot of people could also make one person feel like they’re being ganged up on if their viewpoint puts them in the minority among the people present, which could make them defensive right off the bat.
“Do you have the conversation around the family dinner table, or do you go on a walk with somebody, move away from the crowd, so that you can both be, perhaps, a little more honest and vulnerable with what each person’s perspective is?” Bufka says.
“Sometimes,” she suggests, “it can be helpful to have hard conversations when you’re doing something together, like going on a walk or making cookies or something that you can share in an activity while you’re having the conversation.”
Try to understand their point of view or find common ground
Bufka encourages people to approach conversations about politics from the perspective of wanting to understand the other person’s point of view, rather than trying to convince them to change their mind.
“If you’re willing to say, ‘I want to understand these people I care about, and what’s why I want to have the conversation,’ then you’re setting yourself to be far more successful,” she says. There’s “no guarantee that your conversation partner is going to be coming at it the same way, and maybe you need to introduce that and say, ‘I know we don’t see eye to eye on X, and it might be scary for us to talk about it, but I’d like to try.’”
And even if you and your loved one disagree on political issues, remember that there may be some common ground, experts urge. Both parties may want to see the economy grow, for instance, but disagree on what that looks like or how to get there, Bufka says. Finding that common ground could help bridge the distance between them.
“If it’s someone you really care about, remembering that there’s likely some common ground, some common value that you can come back to,” Herstich says. “I think so often, we’re all so polarized that we forget that we can be in a relationship with people that believe different things.”
That common ground, she says, may simply be that you both value your relationship and don’t want to lose it. Just reminding yourself of that could help ease some tension in the conversation.
Don’t directly attack them
Conversations about politics can become heated, but Bufka recommends avoiding insulting or disrespecting the person you’re talking to. Don’t say things like “you’re an idiot” or “you’re stupid,” or even “how could you ever have that point of view?”, she says. Comments like that aren’t going to help you move towards a place of understanding.
“If you’re disrespecting the person, you’re not really improving your relationship with them, and you’re very unlikely to be moving towards any shared understanding or a possibility of understanding their perspective,” Bufka says. “It’s also not, as adults, what we want to teach the kids around us—that the way to communicate with people is that we disrespect them.”
Set boundaries, and know when to end the conversation
The conversation may reach a point when you and the people you’re talking with have to agree to disagree. Bufka and Herstich recommend establishing that boundary, and knowing when to end the discussion and respectfully walk away. And if you anticipate the conversation is going to be really challenging, you may want to plan an out. Herstich suggests that if the discussion becomes too difficult, people could say “I have to take a little break” or change the subject to something that’s less tense. The most important thing to keep in mind if you’re having this type of conversation is “maintaining your integrity and maintaining safety within the relationship,” Herstich says.
In certain cases, it may be too hard to have the conversation at all. Both Bufka and Herstich say that some people may experience real risks in engaging in these discussions—for instance, people who feel marginalized in the current political climate and don’t feel safe around their families.
“It really depends on the person—it depends on the dynamic and the family, and if politics are a part of the regular conversation,” Herstich says. “If the trajectory is typically poor—if someone typically talks about politics with family and it goes south fast—then probably building boundaries around not talking about politics over the holidays can be a really supportive move.”
But, she says, “If you have a family dynamic where people are open and they don’t dehumanize one another and it can feel productive and people can feel heard, even if they disagree, then that’s a different story.”
Go easy on yourself
If you’re struggling because your family members hold different political beliefs and you feel that you have to restrict the time you spend with them because of it, Herstich recommends that you be kind to yourself.
“The grief in it is real—the grief of losing the relationship that you maybe hoped would be or that you even thought that you had,” she says. “Be really gentle with yourself.”