A friend of mine got out of a six year relationship, only to have her ex marry someone new within six months. Another woman I met at a networking event recently has been with her boyfriend for a decade, waiting on a ring. Every time they go on a vacation, she wonders if this holiday will be the one where he will propose, only to be dejected on the flight back home.
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I never had the heart to tell these women they were placeholders.
According to social media, a placeholder partner is good enough to date, live with, or even spend years alongside, but never the person their partner actually plans to commit to in the long term. They’re the “in the meantime” partner, until the real one comes along. And now, when I date, it is one of my biggest fears: to end up as a placeholder.
Pop culture is full of cautionary tales about time spent waiting for commitment. On her 2024 album The Tortured Poets Department, Taylor Swift reflects on the frustration of investing her youth in a six-year relationship with Joe Alwyn that never progressed toward lifelong commitment. The lyric “I died on the altar waiting for the proof” in “So Long, London” is widely read as her reckoning with years lost to inertia.
A similar contrast emerged after Vanessa Hudgens ended her nine-year relationship with Austin Butler and later married Cole Tucker, who proposed within three years. The difference was clear to many of her fans, who pointed out that the right person wouldn’t make someone wait a decade for a proposal.
Why do women stay in long relationships when their partners have shown no signs of commitment? Often, people stay because they have invested so much of their time, love, energy, and focus into the relationship that they imagine a potential life with their partner. Most people don’t want to start another relationship because they’re terrified of being alone. This is a deeply human fear.
Ultimately, though, the fear of being alone holds us back. Louize Yafai, an emotional recovery and resilience coach based in London, told me that many people are unsure of their own worth. “Before you know it, you’re in this relationship for months, if not years, and the placeholder relationship is now familiar and normalized,” Yafai said. “You hope they see your value.”
I have no intention of waiting around for years in the hopes that a ring will magically appear. Late last year, I went on a date with a guy who told me he had just gotten out of a three-year relationship. When I asked him about the reason for the break-up, he said that his ex wanted to move in, and that he had no intention of living together.
Clearly, there was no second date. I told him that I wouldn’t stay in a relationship for more than a year if we weren’t planning to move in, let alone stay for three years.
That’s the thing about my placeholder-phobia: I am very comfortable now telling men the first time I meet them that if I am not engaged within two years of dating, I will be the first to bolt. I find that these boundaries help me be more selective.
Dating apps are in part to blame. We have a virtually infinite number of algorithmically driven choices, and no one is limited to the suitors in their hometown. Jack Worthy, licensed psychotherapist and faculty with Gestalt Associates in New York, summed it up well: “Your phone is always a portal to meeting another possible match whom you may like more.”
It’s painfully difficult to admit to yourself that you’re a placeholder. “You’re admitting to yourself something terrible, that the person I’m with values me much less than I value them,” Worthy told me.
We can adopt the myth that someone is “afraid of commitment,” or we’ll pathologize someone as having an avoidant attachment style. But more likely, they’re just not that into you.
I see this happening in friendships as well. Friends who I spent time with regularly have disappeared for months or years after they get into a relationship. I thought that was normal, until women on Tiktok started talking about placeholder friends. They explained that some people only make friendships to fill up their time and social calendar until they reach a milestone like getting a partner or getting married or having kids.
Read more: How I Manifested Better Friendships
When one such friend emerged recently after her breakup, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I hadn’t seen her in over four years, during which time she had a baby with her partner of over a decade. On the other hand, I felt bad for her, because she herself was a placeholder.
When we started talking about her breakup, I confessed that I had always found it odd that her ex never proposed. She said that she felt like he had settled, and that his ideal woman was someone completely unlike to her.
“Do you think you were a placeholder all these years?” I asked.
She had no idea what that word meant. When I explained the concept, she screamed, “Oh my God, yes! That’s exactly what it was.”
She thanked me for teaching her about it, now that she’s going back into the dating pool. I wondered if the next time I see her, I should explain placeholder friendships as well.
I have realized that recognizing placeholder dynamics in relationships as well as friendships is the best act of self-love one can perform. Naming it gives people permission to leave situations that drain their time.