Wannabe grandparents have always ruffled feathers by inquiring—sometimes aggressively—about the timing of their future progeny. They’re not the only ones to overstep: Casual friends, distant relatives, coworkers, and even complete strangers often feel entitled to ask couples about family planning.
Once two people get married, those in their orbit tend to become overly inquisitive: “When am I going to get some good news?” as Shula Melamed, a senior behavioral health coach at Headspace Health, puts it. “As soon as you hit one milestone, you’re expected to hit another.” And forget about rounding the corner into your 30s. “At a certain age, it becomes, ‘You better get started—your biological clock is ticking. Time is running out,’” she says. “It’s questions about your intimate life, it’s questions about your own body. It’s interesting that it’s still not taboo, because it doesn’t get more personal than that.”
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Generally, people mean well with these queries. If you take the most generous view, “They love you, and they want more of you in the world,” Melamed says. Yet that doesn’t make it acceptable conversation fodder. Someone might be experiencing infertility, which is painful enough without feedback or questions from others—especially when it’s posed as a demand, like “Why haven’t you given me a grandchild yet?” Plus, it all feeds into outdated expectations that can make people feel inferior. “There’s the social pressure of, ‘You’re not a successful adult, or you’re not fulfilling your biological destiny, or you’re not doing something that is deemed to be a very important thing in this world,’” she says.
With that in mind, we asked experts exactly what to say the next time someone peppers you with questions about when you’re going to start reproducing.
“I’m curious why this is important to you.”
Curiosity has a way of disarming people and opening up dialogue, says Suzanne Mungalez, a perinatal psychologist who works with clients experiencing infertility, pregnancy loss, or ambivalence about conceiving. “We might have all these assumptions about why the person is asking the question, and we might take it personally,” she says. “We might assume that they’re coming at it from a space of trying to pressure us, but we don’t really know where they’re coming from.” It’s possible, for example, that they’re also struggling with their own uncertainty about having kids and are craving a safe space to explore and discuss. “It’s important to understand where they’re coming from before you jump to reacting,” Mungalez says. “It can better inform how we respond if we have a sense of why they’re asking.”
“There are lots of different ways to have a family.”
A family unit can’t be pigeonholed into one narrow definition. Mungalez likes reminding people of all the different shapes and forms it can take: a chosen family, an adopted family, a two-person family, a blended family. “There’s so many ways to create a family, and all of those ways are valid,” she says. “They’re just as valid as getting pregnant.” Own that truth, she encourages—regardless of whether or not the person on the other end of the conversation sees “family” the same way you do.
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“What if I told you I had been trying for years—or that I experienced multiple miscarriages?”
Presenting a hypothetical invites your prying acquaintance to consider the impact of their question. “It can be a gentle way of reminding them that there are lots of different reasons why people might not want to or might not be able to have a child,” Mungalez says. “It’s not really coming at it from a defensive place, but from a place of wanting to educate, inform, and open up a dialogue.” Most people end up carrying the teaching moment with them, she adds—and will think twice before bringing the topic up again.
“What’s the next phase of your life?”
The next time someone tells you that you’re not getting any younger, turn their presumptuous comment around on them. “It’s an interesting thing, especially when older people say that to somebody, because it’s like, ‘Well, what about your biological clock, or the next phase of your life?’” Melamed says. If you don’t feel comfortable with such a sassy comeback, consider some of her toned-down but still effective alternatives: “As far as I know, my clock is functioning fine. Are there things you haven’t done yet that you’re anxious to get to?” Or: “All of our clocks are ticking everyday—I’m just grateful for another day! How about you?”
“Biology is part of starting a family, but there’s so many other things to consider. Those factors have been really interesting to sit and think about.”
You could also respond to intrusive comments about your allegedly ticking biological clock by pointing out that there are lots of other considerations that go into starting a family. That can spark a broader conversation about priorities, Melamed notes. Start the conversation like this: “I understand that timing might seem like the main factor to you, but there’s a lot else I have to consider,” she suggests. “Then they might respond, ‘What are your concerns, or some of the other things about becoming a parent that are on your mind?’” You could end up having a surprisingly meaningful—and even productive—conversation.
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“Don’t worry—you’ll be the first to know when and if it happens.”
Letting your well-intentioned but tactless friends and family know that you’ll update them when you have news to share is a smart way to fend off further questioning. “If you’re feeling particularly tender, you could also tell them that you appreciate that they’re so invested in you starting a family,” Melamed says. Their enthusiasm, after all, isn’t the problem—they’d just be better off keeping it to themselves until further notice.
“Hmmm…How do you know we haven’t been trying?”
When Dr. Dympna Weil was struggling to get pregnant—before eventually having a daughter—people constantly prodded her about her plans to procreate. With time, she went from feeling upset about these inquiries to empowered enough to own her response. Her favorite mic-drop moment: asking the other person how they knew she and her husband hadn’t been trying—and then spinning on her heel and walking away. The typical reaction? “Mouth open, eyes wide, like, ‘Oh, crap,’ and then kind of a hush,” says Weil, an ob-gyn in Albany, N.Y. “It calms the frenzy of questioning.” While Weil wouldn’t use this comeback with, say, her grandmother, she employed it often during her residency—especially with curious (read: nosy) colleagues.
“Wow! I just haven’t had the time—good thing you reminded me!”
Weil is fond of this response because “it hints at the absurdity that they should be all up in my reproductive business,” she says. “It’s telling them lovingly and gently, ‘I got this.’ It’s kind of cheeky, without being snarky.” Those on the receiving end were typically dumbfounded, she adds, quickly apologizing and acknowledging that they knew she was busy. Did they ever ask such an intrusive question again? Not a chance.
“Why do you assume that everyone wants children?”
Regina Lazarovich, a clinical psychologist who is child-free by choice, has received countless questions about when she might start having babies.She likes to respond with this question because it exposes the other person’s shortsighted thinking. “There is definitely a bias that’s communicated in the question of whether you’re going to have a baby,” she says. “It could be a jumping off point for a conversation—if they’re actually open to having a dialogue—and hopefully, it makes them think before asking such assumptive questions again.”
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“I’m not planning on having children.”
This is Lazarovich’s most truthful response. Plus, it’s clear and to the point, without “giving in to the bait,” she says. “You’re shutting the question down, and you’re not providing any extra justifying information. You don’t have to break any personal privacy boundaries you might have.” She’s found that “unabashedly” telling people that kids simply aren’t part of her life plan helps reduce shame around not following traditional family expectations. “It’s not going to happen, period,” she says, and no one has the power to make her feel bad about that.
“How’s your sex life? How are your finances?”
Think of this approach as responding to an invasive question with an equally invasive question. “It’s for the sassier among us,” Lazarovich says. Recipients have no right to get offended:
“We’re asking a question back that actually points out the issue—that this is an intrusive question that is not appropriate to ask.” And yet, it’s not aggressive and won’t escalate the situation, she’s found. If you say it in a lighthearted way, you could even inject some humor into the conversation.
“A baby? In this economy?!”
This witty retort is a play on a viral joke—but it also happens to be an effective way to shut down unwanted conversations. The economy is a major factor in why some people are opting to be child-free, with 17% of participants in a Pew Research Center reporting they wouldn’t have children for financial reasons. “It’s expensive to have a kid, it’s expensive to get pregnant and go to all these medical appointments,” Mungalez says. “And sometimes it’s having to weigh that out—do I want to spend the money I have on a child, or do I want to use it to maybe put a down payment on something?” It’s unfortunate that we have to make these kinds of decisions, she adds, but money is also a perfectly reasonable consideration—and perhaps the person you’re talking to can relate.
“That’s a very personal question, and I would appreciate it if we didn’t discuss it further.”
You’re always within your rights to set a boundary—and you absolutely don’t have to talk about your reproductive plans if you don’t want to. It’s important to specify what the consequence will be if someone doesn’t respect your boundary, Lazarovich adds, and to make sure you enforce it. “It could be as simple as, ‘If you continue to push me on this, I’m going to hang up the phone,’ or ‘I’m going to walk out of the room,’” she says. “It depends on the power dynamics, and your boundary might differ in a work setting or family setting.” If it’s been a while since you initially set the boundary, you might even remind someone: “Hey, remember I told you I didn’t want to discuss this?” If they back off, great. But if they keep pushing, it’s time to reinforce it—because no one gets to make you talk about something you’ve said is off-limits.