Trick or treat: The perfect Halloween candy for 32 NFL quarterbacks

Quarterback play in 2023 has been a mixed bag. So let’s treat every team’s signal caller to their ideal Halloween candy.

NFC East

Daniel Jones, New York Giants: Snickers

According to Anna Rahmanan of Time Out New York, Snickers are officially the city’s favorite candy. It’s also what the rest of the NFL did when the Giants gave Jones a four-year, $160M contract.

Sam Howell, Washington Commanders: Nestle Crunch

No explanation needed after 41 sacks in eight games. Hershey’s Krackle will also do.

Jalen Hurts, Philadelphia Eagles: Push Pops

Again, no explanation needed, but do try to use your hands.

Dak Prescott, Dallas Cowboys: Any hard candy

You know, the stuff your grandmother, Jerry Jones or some other octogenarian would put out on a weekly basis.

NFC West

Josh Dobbs, Arizona Cardinals: Nerds

Relax Dobbs, it’s hip to be square these days. Surely, someone with a degree in aerospace engineering understands. A handful of Smarties will also work.

Brock Purdy, San Francisco 49ers: Starburst

A string of bad losses against the Cleveland Browns, Minnesota Vikings and Cincinnati Bengals and suddenly Purdy isn’t Joe Montana anymore. Could Sam Darnold be Steve Young?

Geno Smith: Gobstoppers

Gobstopper is a made up word, Willy Wonka isn’t a real person and there’s no such thing as a Seahawk.

Matthew Stafford, L.A. Rams: Caramelized tofu

It’s L.A.

NFC North

Kirk Cousins, Minnesota Vikings: Licorice

Not Twizzlers, the hard stuff. Not only do Nordic countries like Denmark make some of the strongest licorice in the world, they put it in everything from ice cream to cocktails. You like that?

Justin Fields, Chicago Bears: Buckeyes

If things don’t work out with the Bears, Fields can always visit his alma mater and enjoy these delicious chocolates made to resemble the nuts of Ohio’s official state tree.

Jared Goff, Detroit Lions: Bottle Caps

His coach prefers patellas, but these caps will have to do.

Jordan Love, Green Bay Packers: Jolly Ranchers

When stored properly, Jolly Ranchers are said to have an indefinite shelf life. The way Packers quarterbacks ride the pine, Love can appreciate a long-lasting treat.

NFC South 

Derek Carr, New Orleans Saints: Just about anything

Just make sure it doesn’t have artificial sweeteners like aspartame or sucralose. The man grew up in Sugar Land, Texas.

Baker Mayfield, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Skittles

Mayfield used to wake up feeling dangerous. Skittles are so dangerous they were almost banned in California.

Desmond Ridder, Atlanta Falcons: 100 Grand Bar

Actually, his base salary is $870,000 this year, but knowing backup quarterbacks like Tyler Huntley and Case Keenum make more than twice that amount, Ridder can’t feel good about his six-figure salary.

Bryce Young, Carolina Panthers: Plain M&M’s

Plain M&M’s are what people think of first, but…

AFC South

C.J. Stroud, Houston Texans: Peanut M&M’s

… the peanut variety is more popular (and much bigger).

Gardner Minshew, Indianapolis Colts, Tic Tacs

Technically it’s a breath mint and not a candy, but it’ll do in a pinch.

Trevor Lawrence, Jacksonville Jaguars: Dove Milk Chocolate 

DOOOVE Bars.

Will Levis, Tennessee Titans: No candy

He deserves a treat after four touchdown passes in his first start, but he’ll just dip it in mayonnaise.

AFC North

Joe Burrow, Cincinnati Bengals: Payday

Five years, $275M, $219M guaranteed. Well done, Joe.

Lamar Jackson, Baltimore Ravens: Butterfinger

He’s hard to lay a finger on, but he already has eight fumbles this year.

Kenny Pickett, Pittsburgh Steelers: Kit Kat Duos

Pickett’s second half quarterback rating this year  is 30 points higher than the first half. That deserves some dark chocolate with a second layer of mint or strawberry.

Deshaun Watson, Cleveland Browns: Godiva Chocolates 

Overpriced, overrated and not always available.

AFC East

Josh Allen, Buffalo Bills: Trail Mix

With a league-leading 2,165 yards passing and five rushing touchdowns, Allen gives Buffalo fans a little bit of everything.

Mac Jones, New England Patriots: Take 5 

At least that’s what head coach Bill Belichick keeps telling him.

Aaron Rodgers, New York Jets: Twix

Although both halves are identical, Twix built an entire ad campaign around whether “Right Twix” is better than “Left Twix.” Rodgers likes a good debate. He should see what Pat McAfee thinks.

Tua Tagovailoa, Miami Dolphins: Whatchamacallit

Do you think Tagovailoa ever gets tired of spelling his name for people?

AFC West

Jimmy Garoppolo, Las Vegas Raiders: Necco Wafers

How can something so pretty taste so bad?

Justin Herbert, L.A. Chargers: Walnuts

They’re not the most exciting Halloween treat, but Glamour magazine says nuts and seeds are great for your hair.

Patrick Mahomes, Kansas City Chiefs: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Chocolate and peanut butter might be the greatest combination ever. If not, it could be Mahomes and head coach Andy Reid.

Russell Wilson, Denver Broncos: Candy Corn

Almost pure sugar, they’re just too much.